It's been a LONG and hard winter here in the DC area. Very cold temperatures and a good amount of snow. Because of this, I've essentially been bundled up for the last 4 months, especially when out in public. Thankfully, spring is finally making its way to us. The temperature has been in the 50s over the last week, and most of the snow/ice on the ground has melted. My thick winter coat hasn't made its way out of our closet in the last 5 days.
Without my winter coat on, it's quite obvious that I am pregnant. I love this, because a growing belly signifies that this baby is growing, but it also has me feeling very vulnerable. When I dropped Lucia off at school last week one day, I found myself almost trying to cover up my belly with something that I was carrying in my hand.
I think it's the excitement of others that makes this so hard. Yes, I'm excited. I'm so excited, that I have a hard time being excited in fear that I will jinx myself or that the worst will happen - you know - it's hard to explain - but I know that you all on Share get it. Seeing the excitement in others is just
sometimes a little too much for me. It's the definitiveness in their excitement. Their view that every time someone gets pregnant, there's a healthy/living baby on the other side of it.
It's the look on their face, their hands reaching out to touch my belly, all of that, that's just a little hard to swallow sometimes. In a way, it is wonderful to get all these positive vibes from people, and to see their excitement, but in another way, it's just quite terrifying and makes me anxious. I do believe in positive outcomes, and I was extremely fortunate to experience it with Lucia. I feel positive about this pregnancy. And, at the same time, the fear is there.
I'll be 23 weeks next Tuesday, so only will have FIFTEEN weeks to go from there! The c-section has been scheduled for July 3rd, unless Sparky decides to make an earlier arrival.As my belly gets bigger and spring and summer make their way in full effect, I need to find a way to get more comfortable showing my belly in public. Maybe the more I'm out, the more I'll get used to it. I know the fear will remain, so it's just a matter of being comfortable sitting with it and knowing that it's there, but that it doesn't have to overpower me.
Marco - I remember being so very proud of my belly when I was pregnant with you. I am certainly proud of this one too, so please help me embrace it a little more. We love you, our sweet boy.
What you're saying totally makes sense to me. I can understand being defensive and protective of your heart in ways that most people (thankfully) can't understand. I wish more people were aware of the possibility of loss and were more sensitive to the fact that we have not all experienced the ideal outcome. It continues to frustrate me that we have to hide our pain and our vulnerability to make others feel comfortable.
I hope that your sense of peace will grow as the air warms and the flowers bloom. Sending all good thoughts and optimistic hopes your way, as always.
Look at that beautiful belly! I'm very happy its growing and that things are going well. I get you 100% when you say that people become so excited about pregnancy that its like it never crosses anybodies mind that not all pregnancies are complication free that happy anticipation puts us under a tremendous amount of pressure even though we really have NO control over our bodies and that even if were super careful and healthy there still are risks.. I wonder if its the reason we as moms feel almost ashamed of losses because we don't want to let anyone down.
You and your family are in my prayers I'm confident that you will have "sparky" in your arms safe and sound when she is due. I'm so inspired and I cannot wait to be in your shoes. Many blessings :)
Were rooting for you!
I can understand this. I remember having similar feelings when preggo with #2 and #3, not having yet experienced loss, but was very scared of having another preemie. People in general would constantly ask me my due date (I was teaching then and you run into staff in the bathroom, front office, lunch room, copy room, everywhere). I'd divulge the date, but then add that with my situation, I couldn't be guaranteed I'd carry full-term and was hoping to carry as long as I could. I felt horrible for saying that, but it was my reality. I am so happy to hear that the ice is melting and that huge marshmallow winter coat isn't needed. Hopefully with a new season fast approaching and some new Spring girly colors making their way into stores now, it will help you to feel a bit more comfortable when going out. I love your growing tummy pics and it will be June/July here before you know it:)
Libby I love your sweet belly picture and so glad you are sharing it with us. I remember being excited and terrified all at the same time. Many hugs to you. Know we are here cheering you on every step of the way!
Hugs and love, libby. I understand completely.
Continued blessings, such a cute belly, keeping u and your family in my prayers.
You nailed it and I agree with you 100%. I'm currently 9w5d pregnant with our rainbow baby and we haven't told anyone yet... When I went in to the Doc for my 1st appointment they give you all those handouts and Babies R Us check list and registry info... my stomach dropped, felt like a knife to the heart. Don't they know it doesn't always end happily?
I miss the innocence of my first pregnancy.
Thank you for sharing your post. Congratulations. Very happy for you!
hugs and love the picture. Nicki
I completely understand those feelings, I was the same way with my pregnancy after my loss. I kept having to shake off that skeptical voice in my head. But whenever I was around someone excited about my pregnancy, it was good to join them and for that moment let down my guard. Hopefully you can start to do that too. Keep those belly pictures coming :)
Oh mama, I could have easily written this. To have strangers be able to express more excitement than I could at my own pregnancy... was/is.... it's just hard and uneasy... and complicated.
Sending so much love,
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