Share Your Story

With almost everything in life right now, I feel like I'm seriously behind the 8 ball in my participation in Share.  There is so much that I've wanted to post in the last couple of months, there are blog posts that I've wanted to read and comment on, but time always seems to get the best of me.  I need to post about ShareUnion, I need to post about the reason behind changing my blog title from Hospitalized and Confused to Somewhere Over the Rainbow - BUT, I'm going to go with what my sister told me a long time ago about scrapbooking, which is to start current!  So - in an attempt to catch up here, I'm going to start by writing about the most current event on my end, which is Marco's birthday/angelversary, which was Sunday, 10/6.  Hopefully over the next couple of weeks I'll be able to catch up on the rest! :)

Marco, Marco.  None of it makes any sense.  After 4 years, I still have been unable to make sense out of all of it.  His life, his death.  It's, as I had shared during SU that my dad had put it, a mystery.  Marco is a little mystery.  It doesn't make sense that he was dealt a seriously crappy hand of cards.  It doesn't make sense that his jaw was locked, leaving a team of perinatologists speechless.  I never saw it, because I was in recovery from the C-section, but Bruno told me that he looked over at them all in a circle talking, and saw them all shaking their heads.  I imagine that that will be an image burned in his mind forever.  It doesn't make sense that on his 4th birthday, I baked a lasagna for 3 rather than paying a pizza delivery guy a hefty fee for pizza to feed a party full of rambunctious kiddos.  None of it makes sense, and I imagine it never will. 

I have come to terms now with the fact that this really is something that is going to puzzle me forever.  I am in a place, thankfully, where the mystery does not paralyze me and keep me from living in my today.  But it is there.  It is an itchy scab.  I am beyond the point of searching for answers.  There are none.  With the situation we were in, there is absolutely nothing that could have been done differently for a better outcome, in my mind.  I have come to terms with that.  What I don't know that I will ever come to terms with is the WHY. 

Out of all of this, what does make sense is Lucia.  She does not replace Marco, just as nobody could ever replace her.  If Marco had lived,  I don't know that Lucia would be here, and I could not, would not imagine life without her.  As I think we've all agreed on here - it's all SOOOO complex!  As we were saying good night to Lucia on "Marco Day" (which is what we told her Sunday was), Bruno and I agreed that Marco lives through her, in a sense. 

We had a nice day here on Marco Day - as "nice" as the anniversary of the birth and death of your baby can go.  I felt uncontrollably sad in the morning...not in the sense that I couldn't control myself...but I was tearful.  My sweet Lucia saw me crying and said "give you a hug, momma" and looked genuinely concerned for me.  Oh that sweet girl.  Such a bittersweet moment.  We went to church, and then to the pumpkin patch.  Lucia had a blast, and it felt god to be outdoors, enjoying the day as a family.  We released an Elmo balloon for Marco that we wrote messages on, and then had a nice dinner.  Lucia helped us bake a cake.  My one sister made a donation to March of Dimes on his behalf, and my other sister released balloons with her sons for him.  By the end of the day, I felt peace. 

I think it was helpful for me to have ShareUnion before Marco's birthday this year.  It gave me a lot of time to reflect on all of it and to "lean in" to the grief.  I wanted to dedicate an entire separate post on ShareUnion - but since I'm on the topic, I will just say that I am incredibly thankful to all that Lauren, Stacy (who was so missed), Jami, James, Liza, Judi (also so missed), Dr. Berns, Gigi, Cara, Kara (did I get the spellings of their names right??!), and anyone who I missed, who put so much time and effort to make SU what it was.  It was an amazing and meaningful weekend.  I had SUCH an amazing time spending time with everyone who was there. Those who were not there were most certainly missed (Zsuzsi - my old roomie, Stacy, Judi)...but I know they were with us in spirit. 

So - to tie this all up in a neat little package, Marco is there - he is Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  He is with me and his daddy in our hearts every day.  He is in Lucia's soul, and I know he smiles whenever she does.  As I've said before, I would so much rather have Marco as he is now, our angel, than to never have had him at all.  I am so eternally grateful for my angel. 

Marco - what to say?  We love you.  We hope that you caught the balloons that we released for you.  You are with me in everything I do.  You have taught me more about life than I ever could have thought possible.  You continue to give me strength.  You are amazing.  You are my angel.  Fly high, sweet boy.  Fly high.