I took Lucia swimming on this cold, 28th day of December. Bruno had to work all day, and so Lucia and I met up with my sister, Lisa, and her 2 boys and went to their local indoor pool. It wasn't until after I walked into the pool area from the locker room and started walking into the pool that I realized I had been there before. I had been there 4 1/2 years ago when I was pregnant with Marco. My sister's oldest son, Cristian, must have been maybe a year old at that time. She was pregnant with her second, Sebastian, but on modified bedrest because she had been having issues with preterm labor. She had signed Cristian up for a baby swimming class, but could no longer attend the classes because of her situation. So, I gladly stepped in and played with Cristian during his class.
I was probably only 16 weeks or so at that time, and was blissfully unaware of Marco's fate. I'm sure I envisioned myself doing that same thing with the little being inside me the following year. Oh how fun that would be. As fate turned out, I'd never get to take that swimming class with Marco. He did get to swim though, my son. He swam in me for 29 weeks and almost 4 days. That's where he was happy and safe.
My sister Lisa, being the wonderful soul that she is, remembered. She looked at me today as we all got in the pool and said, "you were here before, helping with that class with Cristian". And then she said "you were pregnant with Marco", and she gave me a hug. She has always gotten it, and will always get it. She is amazing.
Marco didn't get to go swimming today, but I thought of him. I watched his little sister Lucia swim her little heart out. It's actually an awesome pool with a great slide. She mastered the slide and went on it countless times today. It was quite funny to see her face look anywhere from totally stunned to extremely joyous as she slid down time after time after time. She watched her older cousins, in awe, do a little more than her. Cristian (now 5 1/2) went off the high dive almost as many times as she went down the slide. And Sebastian, was like a little fish in goggles swimming around the pool. She loves watching and playing with other kids, and she just had a blast today.
This all is on the heels of a failed clomid cycle this month. It the first cycle since the spring that I've done, so I'm trying to keep my chin up and look to the future and be hopeful. And I am. I am hopeful. But a failed cycle always ratchets that fear up a notch. Fear/hope - that impossible balance. Anyway - I digress - today it's about swimming - I can only hope that someday Lucia has a little sibling to whom she can teach all of her swimming skills and water tricks. :)
Marco - the last time I was at that pool, you were safe inside me, alive. I wish I could remember all the thoughts and feelings I had that day. I'm sure most of them were involving you and all the hopes and dreams I had for you...of taking you to the pool to go swimming. I'm so grateful that today I got to go back to that pool with your little sis. What fun she had. I'm grateful for your cousins and that they are here to play with Lucia. She loves them, and they love her, as evidenced by Sebastian exclaiming today "Lucia, you're my best friend"! So tender coming from a little boy who is such a rough and tumble little guy. The more I think about it as I sit here quietly with only my thoughts and laptop, the more I feel like Sebastian and Lucia really do have a special bond - and that it has something to do with the fact that Lisa and I were pregnant at the same time with Sebastian and you, respectively. You two were born just 2 weeks apart. She and I, close sisters, in 2 different hospitals at the same time. She, recovering from her c-section after delivering Sebastian at 31 weeks, and I on bedrest trying to save you. Tears are flowing and there's a lump in your momma's throat right now as I process all of this.
It's so nice that you have someone who is there for you and just knows just what to say or just knows a hug is needed. It's hard when you end up in a place and then have those "flashbacks". especially when you were full of hope about the future. a hug to you.
How fun---swimming in the winter!!!! Ansley would love to live closer to an indoor pool right now.
Funny how memories are so very clear at certain times. I'm glad that you have your sister to give hugs when hugs are needed and help you get through some of those times. I hope that the wait is not long for Lucia a little sibling. Hugs to you as the new year approaches!!
It's so bittersweet when we are able to reflect on the moments where we are totally and blissfully unaware of what is to come. I have few memories of my pregnancy with Arianna before my water broke. I think the fear and pain somehow consumed them. I am glad that you got a moment to reflect on a time when you were blissfully unaware and that you have a person in your life that "gets it". Sending you lots of hugs and blessings as you begin TTC again.
To process it all. I am crying with you my dear, dear friend. I often think back, "I was pregnant with Zach" when we did this, or did that. Those memories have come to be dear to my heart. The only memories I have WITH my son.
My heart goes out to you with your last cycle. It's so easy to become caught up in the fear---what it's. Try to steer away form there and to trust that your body can do this.
Little Lucia is so beautiful. Just like her mommy. I wish we lived right next door and Evan could have playdates. :) How lucky Sebastian is to have his best friend so close and how special to have your sister as YOUR best friend. I am so thankful that she is supportive and gets it. What a beautiful person to have in your life.
I love you Libby.
Sending you happy thoughts for a beautiful 2014.
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