Today I'm thankful for my weed whacker. I went out back in our little tiny back yard today and used it to cut our grass. We don't have a mower because we have such a small yard.
I didn't know how much I needed to get back there and tend the yard until I was doing it. I've been doing a really good job, relatively speaking, with being patient and centered regarding my lack of fertility in trying for another baby. But today I just wasn't feeling so centered....which is why it felt so good to whack the weeds (I mean, grass). I got so into it as a way of letting my stress out, that I kind of did a hack job on the grass - but the only ones who ever go back there are my crazy little beagles, Benni and Sammi, and I don't think they mind :)
Anyway - I don't know where I'm going with all of this. Just that I guess I'm in one of those unbalanced/fear moods right now about my infertility. And I don't like being in that place. But I guess it's normal. So I just have to feel it, lean into it, and then let it go.
Lucia has been sleeping on her crib mattress on our bedroom floor the last few nights due to a makeover we're doing in her room. In our bedroom, above our dresser, I have framed pictures hanging of her, Marco, and me/Bruno/Marco and me/Bruno/Lucia. As I was tucking Lucia in last night, she said to me. "I can't see Marco". I don't know what she meant by that. Did she mean that I was blocking her view of the picture? Did she mean that she can't see him here, physically living? I don't know, and I didn't question her. I just said, "Oh yeah, Marco is in heaven." Or something along those lines. She just turned and stuck her thumb back in her mouth. I wonder what goes in her mind when she hears me say something like that? She sees that he's a baby in the picture, but yet he's not here. He's in this place that I mention, heaven...and she has no idea what that means. Maybe next time I should say he's in her heart. I don't know. Anyway - just one of those moments that makes you sigh.
Marco - I know you're all around us. You are a part of us, and you always will be. I know one day I will explain what happened to you to your sister, but she's not ready yet, so we wait...until the time is right...and then little by little, she'll understand more - as much as can be understood - because there's really no understanding it, is there my love? In the meantime, I'll keep getting out there in the yard with that weed whacker :)
hugs to you. Why is it something as simple as weed whacking can really help us when we feel the need to let out our stress?
I have always found gardening very therapeutic. People say they hate weeding, but I love it because more often than not, I am in a mood to just rip something out of the ground once I get going. I can only imagine the pangs that Lucia's comment gave you. It's wonderful that you make it easy for her to be aware of her brother without burdening her. I think it must be the foundation for understanding in the future, such as it is. Much love to you.
Sending lots of love. Those weeds had it coming. I too find lots of healing tackling a project in the yard. Those conversations with the lil' sibs are so bittersweet.
Sending lots of love and baby dust,
Cutting grass and whacking weeds have a ton of purposes!! Stress relief is just one of them. Sweet questions from a little sis who clearly sees how much her brother is loved.
I remember the week after we lost ethan & casey, i spent tons of time in the yard and in the sunshine b/c it felt like a healing activity ... it allowed me to lose myself in an activity that took me away from the pain i was feeling.
I'm glad to hear that Lucia knows about Marco, and I too, would have paused at her comment. Kaelin has always been very tuned in to her brothers, but Kelsey, not so much.
Hugs to you, Libby.
P.S. a little funny ... i was looking at blog titles and hadn't scrolled down far enough -- and saw your title as "thankful for my weed." I paged down quickly ... just to see if there was something else to it! And wondering what you were up to. :)
So much love coming your way. I am so sorry that you're dealing with all of this. I can't even imagine the frustration you're facing. I'm glad weed-whacking reduces even a little of the stress.
Wishing you peace,
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. Sometimes we all just need a distraction from the overwhelming weight of our thoughts and emotions.
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