MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

THE ATTACK OF SNICKERS DARK, NEWBORN BABIES AND SNOW

I’ll start with the Snickers Dark and newborns. I had to run to the grocery store on my lunch break the other day. When I was pregnant, my sister had got me hooked on Snickers Dark bars. I really don’t eat candy bars very often, so when I was pregnant, I felt as though that was a legit reason to indulge in one a week or so. Anyway, they don’t carry these at the usual grocery store I go to, but they do at the one I went to on my lunch break. I had an overwhelming urge when I was there to buy one – after all, I deserve it after all I’ve been through – but it didn’t feel the same. I ended up not getting one. For some reason – just seeing it there in the check out aisle just made me miss that brief time in my pregnancy when I felt free to indulge in one. The newborns – well, they were just all over the grocery store. I think there were only 3 total that I saw, but it just seemed as if I saw one every time I turned the corner. They were in their carseats, safely nestled in the front part of the cart. Their mothers smiling at them in between picking out their food items. I remember I used to smile at newborns and their mothers when I would see them in the grocery store. I just can’t anymore. I could barely even look at them. I’m finding myself feeling more angry, bitter, jealous and worst of all desperate over the last few days. This just all feels incredibly unfair. Why did some "fluke” mutation have to take over Marco???? Why did it have to be fatal??? Why, why, why????? I do realize that those moms in the grocery story may have gone through their share of tough times. Maybe one of them has had a loss. I don’t know their story, just as they don’t know mine. I feel desperate. Desperate to conceive again. Desperate for a healthy baby. It’s not a good feeling to have – especially in relation to something that I really have little control over. There are certain things I can do to increase my chances of getting pregnant – but nothing is guaranteed. I was using an ovulation predictor kit – but I finally had to stop after 9 negative tests in a row. It was making me too mad…so I stopped. I’m trying to just let go and know that hopefully when the time is right, it will happen. On to the snow. I live in the DC area. This season we have had more snow than I can remember in the 27 years that I’ve lived here. We’ve already had a system that brought us 2 feet (around the time of my due date). We had a few other smaller snowfalls, around 5” (which is still kind of a lot around here). Tomorrow, we’re expected to get another big system – probably another 2 feet. It’s been beautiful snow. Somehow, I can’t help but to think that Marco is sending all this snow to us – angel dust or something like that. If he had been born healthy and on time, he would be about 2 months old now. I’d be home with him – and I’d probably be off the hook with shoveling! Hi Marco – I know you’re up there – I love you.

  • I remember the desperate feeling of wanting a baby inside me again while still dealing with all my fears. After losing our baby we called Peanut, Stickers' (now known as Carson) pregnancy was such a joyous gift. The fear melted for just a little while.

    Hang in there.

  • All the things you are feeling are perfectly normal to feel in your situation. I had so many miscarriages over the years, but in the end I did manage to have two beautiful kids. I still have all kinds of unwanted feelings when I see newborns and pregnant women.  

    I struggled with finding the courage to try again and again. I read somewhere that, courage isn't he absence of fear, but the belief that something else is more important than the fear.

    I am so sorry about what happened with Marco. You are right it is incredibly unfair. I know that kind of loss is not something you ever get over, but I hope, over time, you can at least find some measure of peace.

    Kristina

  • Libby, I remember when I had to have a hysterectomy right after Andrew-- I had a lot of those same feelings.  I felt the "choice" had been taken out of my hands.  Being diagnosed with *** cancer at 42 I feel that way too "why when my kids are so little"?  "why when my Mom is still alive to see me suffer?"  It's taken me a while to realize that there are no answers to those questions.  Recently a friend had to decide whether to put her dog to sleep. She said she visualized putting the dog in God's hands.  At that point she realized he's always been in God's hands and what she was actually "letting go" of was the "illusion" of control over the situation.  That has helped me through the last week or so...hope it helps you.  Love, Maureen Devine

  • I have those days of "why" too.....still.  I hope that you'll find some way to get past these tough days.  Maybe a Snickers Dark will help!  LOL!!  You know we're always here to listen when it gets too overwelming!

    Tracy