When I had Marco, Bruno and I had just joined a parish near the house we had moved into the fall before. When we lost Marco, we had his memorial service there. We had the priest who did our wedding, someone I've known for a long time, come as a visiting priest to do the service. It was lovely - as lovely as such an event can be.
In the building of the church, there is a main church and a chapel. The service we had was in the chapel, as it is smaller and more intimate.
We don't go into the chapel very often, as masses are generally only held in the newer, bigger church. So - it's a rare occasion that I ever go in that room.
Last Sunday was Easter. I ended up going to church by myself as both Bruno and Lucia were under the weather. I did miss them, though it was nice in a way to just be there by myself to be able to really focus on the mass.
Since it was Easter, it was a very crowded mass. Whenever this is the case (mostly Christmas and Easter), they hold mass in both the big church and the chapel. I went into the chapel as I was running late (as usual) and I knew the church would already be very full.
Being in that chapel always brings me back to when we lost Marco and held his service. The day of his service was my 29th birthday. My birthday was irrelevant that day. My baby had just died, and that was really all that mattered. I remember that we originally didn't want to have music during the service. We felt like music would make it too much of a "celebration" - and we really felt like there was nothing to celebrate - it was all so somber and sad. As we got closer to the day of the service, there was a nagging voice in my head that told me that we needed to have music. So, I met with the musical director, and we decided on some songs. I'm so glad we did. The singer and pianist that were there did such a beautiful job. I don't remember what songs were sung - I don't even know if I still have a program from that evening - but I do remember feeling relieved that I had made the last minute choice to include music.
Anyway - as I stood there in that chapel full of people dressed in colorful Easter clothes this past Sunday, I couldn't help but to think back to October 23, 2009. The tone in that room was much different. The colors much more muted. The emotions very heavy. There were a lot of tears cried. As sad as it feels to really look back at those times, to be in a room that I once was torn to pieces in, it is also healing in a way. I felt a little closer to Marco in there on Sunday.
Marco - The day of your memorial service was such a sad one. Your daddy and I were so very broken. We have come a long way since then - but on Sunday, I was taken back to that night, and I felt closer to you. I love you, my sweet boy.
Oh Libby...this is such a beautiful post. Your love for Marco shines through in every post but it's so bright in this one.
Thank you for sharing your raw, honest feelings, your love for your children, your sweet, strong heart.
many many hugs to you. I still haven't been back to the funeral home were Scott's service was and I dread the day when I have to do so. I'm glad that it was a healing experience for you and that it made you feel closer to him.
hugs and love, libby. i understand the trepidation you felt. Last summer, I had to go to the funeral home where our boys were laid out -- in the very same rooms where their service was held. took my breath away.
your love and Marco's light shines through each of your beautifully written entries.
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