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As I go through the days, weeks, months, years, I think of all these things I want to write about with regards to Marco and our journey of life after him. I haven't made the time to sit with my thoughts long enough, with the laptop in front of me, to actually get even half of it out.  I took off work today and sent the girls to daycare, and don't feel guilty at all about it. (ok, maybe a little...but a mama needs some time to herself too, right??)

Today, I kind of have the time, and I want to write.  There's nothing major to report or to process.  Just a little anecdote to share about how Marco is always there.

Annabelle was baptized last month.  We had a lovely day celebrating her.  After mass, we had our family back to our house for lunch.  It was a hectic day, but it was a good hectic.  It was a day for which I was extremely grateful.  There was a time that I didn't know if we'd ever have a Lucia or an Annabelle.  They were a distant dream.  They were a hope that I wanted to have, but was afraid to think about too much.  Because of that, I welcome the chaos that these days bring.  

On the morning of the baptism, I decided I wanted to wear a necklace of mine that honors Marco.  It's a chain with a locket and an angel charm on it. The locket was from Bruno after we lost Marco.  It's a heart and it has his initials engraved on it.  In the locket is a dried mum flower from a mum plant that was on our porch that fall when we lost him.  I kept the mum on my porch way too long, even after it had died.  Before I finally threw it out, I noticed that there was a bloom on it that hadn't quite died yet.  It was still white, where the rest of them had dried and turned a purplish-brown.  I pulled the bloom off and thought it would be perfect to put in my locket I had just been given.  To me it represented life and hope. The bloom has lived in the locket ever since.  

The angel charm on the chain was given to me by my parents a couple of years ago for Christmas.  It was supposed to go on a bracelet I had, but it didn't fit, so I just added it to the chain with the locket.  

Anyway - I have this chain on Marco's memory box in my room.  I don't wear it often, but do on special occasions when I want to feel something physical honoring him, which is why it felt perfect to wear during the baptism.  

I put it on, got dressed, and went about our busy day of rushing off to the church (we are NEVER on time. for anything. ever.), rushing home, and entertaining a house of 20+ people.  At the end of mass, before heading home, I realized that the chain was not on me.  It must have fallen off somewhere.  I looked around the church as much as I could within reason, but couldn't find it.  I wasn't happy about it, but didn't get too upset - because, what's the point?  If it was gone, it was gone.  Of course it would be upsetting...mostly because of the flower bloom in the locket...but again, what could I do?  I have lost much worse.  My son.  Although there are possessions that I have that are very important to me, I tend to let things go with more ease - and perhaps that is because I suffered the greatest gift of all, Marco.

Later in the day, after everyone had left our house, I noticed that the chain was on our living room floor with the angel charm on it.  It appeared that the chain had broken...maybe it had been torn off me when I took off my scarf or was just busy in doing things.  But even though I found the chain and angel, the locket was still no where to be found.  Sigh.  Again, that was the most important part for me - if anything, I wanted that flower bloom since I knew it was the only part of the necklace that was irreplaceable. 

Fast forward to that night when we were getting ready for bed.  I was getting changed into my pajamas...when I noticed that the locket was right inside my bra!  Ha!  Go figure. All I could say was, "you were there all along!"  He was there all along.  Right there.  Right next to my heart.  Of course Marco is always here.  Always in my heart.  But I loved that that's where the locket was.  It had taken me on a little roller coaster ride that day, only to be discovered that it had literally been pressed against me all day.

So there you have it :)

To wrap this up, I want to share a poem.  I may have shared it on my blog before.  It's a well-known poem, and it's so beautiful.  I had never heard it until I had Marco, when a friend enclosed it in the sympathy card that she sent me.  Today is the 6th anniversary of Marco's due date, and so it seems appropriate to share right now.  

Marco - no, you are not physically here.  No, we are not celebrating your 6th birthday this month.  But everyday, we feel you with us in the beauty that surrounds us, and for that, we are so grateful.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there; I did not die.

- Mary Elizabeth Frye