MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

TRYING TO STAY CENTERED

Today marks 18 weeks since Marco was born and passed. Sometimes I still can't believe that what happened actually happened. It seems so surreal or something. Lately I have been feeling "phantom" movement in my belly. I never really felt Marco move very much - he was too small and I had too much amniotic fluid. There were only a few times where I felt actual kicks from him - otherwise it was more fluttering. Recently I feel little muscle spasms in my belly area like I used to feel when I was pregnant with him. It makes me miss him even more. It makes my womb feel even more empty. I hate that feeling – the empty womb feeling. I am very aware of how blessed I am in this life. I am blessed to be healthy and to have a wonderful husband as well as a great network of family and friends - and of course 2 of the cutest dogs! I know that God is good and that he is with me in my time of saddness, anger and longing. Yesterday I walked over to the shopping center near my house in the mass amount of snow. I sat in front of the lake there – on a little space on a bench that had been cleared from the snow. The sun was shining on the frozen lake and the trees were all glistening in white. It was really beautiful. I just sat there with my sunglasses on and cried. It was a peaceful cry though. I am trying to keep my longing for another baby in check – I am trying to stay centered – but it is just hard. I am on day 34 of my cycle. I don’t really think I’ve ovulated yet. I’m not doing any ovulation tests or my temperature or anything – just trying to pay attention to my body. I did a pregnancy test the other day – it was negative. I shouldn’t have done it because I knew it was going to be negative, but I couldn’t help myself. I know that having a healthy baby will not make the pain of losing Marco go away – but I know it will also bring joy to my husband and me. I hope that some day soon I’ll be able to report a positive pregnancy test. It gives me such hope to read the blogs of the brave women on this site who have gotten pregnant again after a loss. In the meantime, I’m going to keep on focusing on staying centered – even when it’s hard. I’m going to work on keeping the faith and holding onto hope. I love you my little angel Marco!

  • I will send positive baby vibes your way! I am so sorry for your loss, my son is still in NICU so I can't pretend to know what you went through. It has only been 7 weeks since he was born (he was a 27 weeker)  and my husband is already talking about trying for another baby so we can try for that pregnancy experience we missed this go around. I am terrified, and told him lets wait and see how this goes lol. I am scared I will get HELLP syndrome again, or something else will happen to the baby. Kudos to you for trying again! Best wishes - Athena

  • So I'm not the only one feeling "phantom" movements, it's so bizarre!  Good to know that I'm not the only one that feels those.  I hate getting that negative, you always expect it but it's so crushing to actually see it withou the second little line.  Then you see that second line, and you don't believe it, so you test again and again!  I hope that day of taking a million tests comes soon for both of us!  Sending lots of baby dust your way when you want it, and it sounds like you do!

    Stacy

  • Yes -- I get the phantom kicks too.  It's been 6 months and I still get them.  It's so tough.  You are so strong -- keep trying.  Your faith inspires me.  I too believe that I have been so blessed.  I am so thankful for so many things.  I have no idea how this will all turn out "someday."  I know that we will try to have our second baby a lot sooner than if Zachary had lived.....so this next child will be an angel and a gift.

    Keep crying, keep smiling, keep praying...

    -Zsuzsi

  • hi Libby, you will get the positive result you will we all long for that news hun and our days will come hey? its been 6 weeks since i lost my Brianna and my obst said that i will be very fertile at the moment and to use precautions if i dont want to get preg, did your obst tell you the same ??? take care thinking of you and wishing for you all the good news you want xx Amy (snappa)

  • Libby i had "phantom" kicks and flutters for months after my hysterectomy.  They are a painful reminder!

  • I know its hard to let go and just listen to your body.  I went through many years of infertility and it can take over your thoughts.  

    I hope you soon have the healthy full term baby you and your husband want.  

    Cathy

  • Thinking of you and Marco.

    Kristina

  • You and your lil Marco are in my thoughts....i know what you mean about phantom kicks and flutters...i still get them and its been 1 year since i lost my angel...i know what its like to long so much to be pregnant again...would just be so nice to have a healthy baby to hold in these empty aching arms...sending you hugs and wishes that you get the happiness you so deserve...chantelle xx