I had some time to myself today, so I decided to - gasp - do something productive. I will preface this post by just throwing out on the table the fact that neither Bruno nor I are very neat/organized people by nature. My type A has been brought out a little more by Bruno's extreme type B personality - but let's just say that it really is hard work for us to stay organized in this house. Ok - so, I decided to tackle our office today. Bruno spends way more time in here than I do, but whenever I am in here, I get overwhelmed by the clutter of paper (maybe that's why I don't spend that much time in here ). This may sound scary to some of you, but I found a pile of papers that were from April 2009 - December 2009...the time that I was pregnant with Marco all the way through shortly after we lost him.
Eek - I wasn't ready for this. It felt strange - looking at matters from that time in our life. Things that didn't mean anything compared to what we were dealing with. Most of the papers are obsolete now...most of them going to our shredder. Like a statement/report from a vet visit that Bruno took our 2 dogs to on 10/3/09. Just 3 days before I had Marco. He was alone then, since I was in the hospital on bedrest. What was going through his mind as he sat at the vet that day waiting for Sammi and Benni to be seen? Was he thinking about Marco's impending delivery? Was he thinking about the fear of the unknown, not knowing what would happen after Marco was born - whether or not he would be as critically ill as anticipated - whether or not he would survive? Was he feeling lonely - watching the world around him go by - watching others with their healthy children walking around...living out the dream that he had wanted and thought was going to happen when I found out I was pregnant that April? Maybe not - maybe he was numb that day and not allowing himself to feel/think those things...he's much better at pushing aside fears/thoughts/feelings that are not helpful than I am.
Then there was the packet from when I taught English as a Second Language to an adult group through a local church. It was a 3 month session that had started early that year, before I was pregnant. By the time it ended, I was pregnant and so very excited. I remember that there were two very nice older women who also taught with the group who I had told about the pregnancy. They were so excited for me - a young, newly married woman, about to become a mommy - I was about to live out my dream...or so I thought.
Amazing how one pile of paper can make me relive in seconds the huge wave that rocked our world that year - from the beginning when it was exciting and wonderful, to the end when it tragically came crashing down on our world, leaving the wreckage. I guess this pile of papers was a casualty of the wreckage. A pile that we must have sat aside and decided we would deal with or file away or sift through later - because we were trying to hard to put one foot in front of the other. Here I am 4 years later sifting through. I will take care of it now. I will file what needs to be filed and shred what needs to be shredded...I guess I can look at it as integrating the pile into our lives now (love that word, integration!). What do I do with the English as a Second Language package? I am staring at it now - the front cover is a section on gerunds. I normally wouldn't keep this packet, but somehow I don't feel I can throw it away. It feels like a piece of the short time I had with Marco. I guess that like the shirt Bruno wore on the day Marco was born and died, maybe I'll file it away in one of his memory boxes.
Marco - what a year 2009 was for us. The best and worst year. The year we became parents and got to meet you. The year we had to kiss you goodbye for the last time. It was all so much. This was an unexpected trip today down memory lane of that year - bittersweet. We love you, son.
Thank you for making me feel ok about the state of our office! ;)
It's almost as if we become archeologists when we come across those relics of the past. I too have kept some very strange things... just because... I'm not sure why. They feel archival, yes, like you said, a part of our children's story. We can't hold them... but there are these pieces of that time that we can. Ooooh, this journey. It's a strange one.
Your office sounds a lot like my house some of the time. It is strange the items that we form an attachment to from "that" time period in our life. Like you and Lauren I too have kept some pretty odd things. Things that remind me that she was here. Lauren is right this journey is a strange one and I am so glad that we have each other to navigate it.
Libby, it's amazing the things we put aside. I have similar piles on the floor of my bedroom. Dated items especially launch me back to that time. It must have been so difficult to go through that pile. I hope you were able to file and purge, but to also have made some more space on your office desk for more loving photos and keepsakes of your two precious babies. 2009 was my best and worst year too.
Sending you love and hugs,
It must be that time of year to clean out offices. I just did the same thing and was coming across all the "papers" It's bittersweet remembering that time and all the hopes/dreams we had. I like how Lauren referred to it as being an archeologist so true. some strange things we do keep like the last sonogram picture ever taken of Scott and kept buried under the too be filed papers to find occasionally. Definitely a strange journey we are all taking...
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
Privacy, Terms, and Notices
© Privacy, terms and notices