MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

WHEN IS IT GOING TO GET EASIER??

When is all of this EVER going to get easier?? I’m seriously struggling right now with this question. I just started a new position at my work. I’ll be doing wellness coaching. I’m the only veteran on a team of all new people. The ladies that were on my previous team were all older. Most of them had grown children. I’ve been sitting across from one of the new girls on my team for the last 2 days. She has pictures of her cute little 18 month old all across her desk (including a framed copy of his birth announcement). I just keep thinking about how I should have pictures of a cute little 10 month old Marco on my desk, not a memory box full of his stuff on my dresser at home. She hasn’t asked me if I have kids, but I guess she assumes that I don’t since I never talk about kids. I want to tell her about Marco, but I don’t want to just blurt it out, I feel like it will come up at the right time. I don’t know. This just SUCKS. I feel myself struggling with my faith right now. I had so much hope of getting pregnant again at the beginning of the year. I now feel the year slipping away from me. I feel myself asking God every day what to do about this, and why is this happening. I want to keep my hopes up, but then I don’t want them to keep getting crushed. Sometimes I feel like maybe I’m asking too much, but then I don’t know how I could be...I feel like wanting a child is one of the most basic human instincts. Anyway, I guess I’m just feeling kind of crappy (well, more than kind of) right now. I know it has to get easier, eventually. My dad had a grad student last year that was pregnant at the same time as me. They found out that her daughter had a brain tumor in utero. She delivered her daughter Cara 2 weeks after I lost Marco. Her sweet little Cara died 2 days later. We had emailed shortly after that to commiserate. She sent this excerpt from a play called Rabbit Hole, about how a family copes with the sudden loss of their 4 year old son. The speaker is talking about grief: ""It changes though...the weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes bearable. it turns into something you can crawl out from under. And carry around - like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: "oh right. THAT." Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it's kinda...Not that you LIKE it exactly, but it's what you have instead of your son, so you don't wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn't go away, which is... What. Fine...actually." I thought that was pretty poignant and wanted to share it with my SHARE ladies. You who get it, you who hold onto your bricks like I do. Good night my little Marco, my sweet little angel.

  • I wish I had the words to say to help but I am here and  I have been on the same journey as (Marina was a twin).  I am here for you.

    Kathryn

  • Libby,

        Oh those awkward moments, such simple questions we long for someone to ask yet cringe when they are actually asked.  I wish people could just look at us and know, know that we are moms, and that our little ones are only in our hearts and dreams now.  

        Wow, that passage does definitely describe it all so well.  I hate having a brick, yet I wouldn't give it away for the world, except to get my girls back.  Tons of hugs to you!

    Stacy

  • Libby -

    It has been a crappy week for both of us then.  Boo on this week!  I wish we didn't have these hard weeks.  However, I guess they are there to help us deal with our bricks.  Maybe to make them a bit more smooth, or even a little less heavy?  I know whenever I come out of one of "these" moments, I do feel better.  I hope that "better" comes for you soon.

    As for the new job -- great news for a change of scenery.  It really helped me when I changed jobs.  As for the girl across the way, you have been blessed with an amazing little angel who has taught you so much about yourself, and the world around you.  Lessons that I wish you could have learned another way, but it is what it is.  You have done so much good with Marco's memory.  

    I almost wish that there were photos from heaven because I definitely feel like my time with Zachary -- after Zachary -- has made new memories.  Our sons are not "dead", they live on in our hearts each day.  We love them more and more each day.  It's crazy, but true.

    I am sending you a HUGE hug.  Let's try to talk on the phone this week.  It will do us both some good.

    As for your faith, that is understandable.  Sometimes I feel like we give God too much power, when at other times we give Him so little.  Imagine him holding your hand through all of this -- you on one side and little Marco on the other.  

    xo-

    Zsuzsi

  • Libby-I wish there was something to say to make it all better. Sending lots of hugs your way...

    Katie

  • My thoughts are with you...Big Hugs

    Michelle

  • Hi Libby,

    Sorry that you are having such a tough week brought on with your new position.

    In some ways, dealing with loss gets easier -- in some ways, it doesn't. On one hand, as more time passes, the wound left in our hearts begins to heal, but at the same time, it's a constant reminder of what we don't have and the increased amount time that has passed since we held our babies.

    I hope you don't feel pressured to tell this young girl about your story just to get it out there. I've done it -- and then there's a lingering awkwardness. The question may come up once you get to know each other ... and you'll know in your heart if she's someone you can share with.

    the poignant quote you shared from that play does sum our grief. At first, our grief is a huge weight. Then the weight becomes easier to bear. But no matter what, it will always be a part of us.

    I know that I've learned a lot about myself in the last three and a half years since I lost my sons. I surely wouldnt' have chosen to learn about myself in that way -- but it's because my sons were in my life that I found out just how strong I am and how much I can truly handle in this lifetime.

    Take care of yourself. Many hugs to you.

    erin

  • Oh Libby, I am so sorry.  The little excerpt is so right on!  I don't want to let go of my brick.  It's all I have.  At times, I want to throw my brick at people, but I know I can't do that.  I hope that the new job will be a nice change.  I'm sure that there will be a moment soon where your co-worker will ask you and then you can decide whether or not she is worthy of hearing about Marco.  I pick and choose whom I tell.

    Hugs to you,

    Lindsay

  • You're so right---This just SUCKS!!

    It seems that things never get better only more and more difficult in my life, and I find myself wondering what I did wrong since I'm the common denominator...  Oops...I'm talking about my life instead of encouraging you.  I know that your heart breaks to share about Marco, and in time, I'm sure you'll get a chance too.  Take your little tiny feet pic from SU to work with you and display it with pride!!

    Tracy

  • Starting fresh at work with new people can be so hard because of the many unknowns.  i think if you give it some time, the perfect moment will arise for you to share your story and your sweet Marco.

    Realizing your not pregnant month after month is so devastating- i feel like it just keeps beating me down and eventually there's going to be nothing left of me.  words are easy, i can tell myself everyday i'm not going to obsess over getting pregnant, but having my body and brain actually follow these instructions is another story :).  i'm not sure how to overcome this; if you find out please let me know though, lol.  and by the way- you're not asking too much- you deserve this!

    love the Rabbit Hole story- your brick must be weighing you down right now.

    Thinking of you!

    jennifer

  • that excerpt is so true....it is a brick we all carry around with. A brick we love and would only get rid off if we could get our children back.

    thanks for sharing that

  • Libby,

    I wish I'd read this sooner. You will find a way to introduce Marco to your co-worker. It may come naturally or be very awkward, but you will get the chance. I have struggled with this at school this year. Do I just tell all my students that I do have kids, but they are dead? Do I wait for an opportunity? I waited and it has come up in two of my classes. Still waiting for the others.

    Thank you for sharing the excerpt about the brick. It's spot on and a good way of explaining it to people who don't understand.

    Love,

    Shannon

  • I hear you Libby. I avoid the teachers lounge at all costs because of the awkward conversations and moments that come up. It is actually one part of my day I can control, so I do.

    I hope that you are able to share Marco with this new lady. I know you want to talk about him. :) He is such a huge part of your life and while he isn't here like we all had hoped for, he is present everywhere, with you everywhere.

    Don't lose faith my sweet friend. Easier said than done, I know. Cast your doubt and fears to Him, pray when you are worried or scared.

    I have this incredible devotional called "Streams in the Desert." It is so awesome! I also am reading "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith.

    Thinking of you,

    Kami

  • I wish I knew what to say....I am sorry you are going through this -

    I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you...

    Hugs,

    Cathy