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You appeared before my eyes.  Two pink lines.  A sign of life and hope.  Within an instant, I was looking down on you 9 months from now - safely sleeping in the Moby wrap while I held your older sister's hand, strolling through the pumpkin patch.  Within an instant, I imagined you growing inside me this summer as my belly grew with you.  Within an instant, I imagined finally getting to tell Lucia that she would have a real baby brother or sister.  Within an instant, I planned that this would finally push me to transition Lucia into a "big girl" room so that the nursery could be used for you.

Within an instant, you were gone.  I knew you were gone when I started bleeding that night.  Within an instant, those dreams for you, arriving in mid-September were gone.

Even though you left us so quickly, the fact that you even existed has given us a boost of hope.  Hope.  Life to come.

I got pregnant on my second round of Clomid last month.  It came as a total shock, as I didn't even think I had ovulated that cycle.  It took Bruno and I almost that entire day to totally digest the positive home test.  I started bleeding the day after.  More than what would be considered normal.  I knew it wasn't good.  I saw my OB the next day, who confirmed the concern.  My beta HCG test came out positive, but low - at 55.  I had it repeated 2 days later.  The stress of waiting for those test results was immense.  I had stopped bleeding only 1.5 days into it...which confused me, and led me to think that just MAYBE things would be ok.  As you man know, in a healthy pregnancy, the beta HCG should double every 2 days.  My worst fear was that the number would go up, but not double.  If it went down, I would know for sure it was a miscarriage.  If it doubled, I would be hopeful for a healthy pregnancy.  If it went up but didn't double...I would be terrified....

And that's exactly what happened.  They went from 55 to 60 in 2 days.    NOT what I wanted to hear.  With Marco, my HCG had been funky early on by going up but not doubling...so this really just brought all of that fear back....though my numbers with him were much higher.   Anyhow - I'll spare you all the rest of the technical details - but let's just say, it was about 2 weeks of a lot of stress and worry, frequent blood work and a sonogram.  My OB thought it could be an ectopic.  Turns out that it was not, and it was in fact a miscarriage.  My HCG finally started to go down.  I'm now just going in for blood work once a week until the HCG goes down to 0.  When I step back and look at this pregnancy, I was so so early on, I feel like I was barely pregnant.  It's as if it never really happened.

I of course have mixed feelings about all of this.  On one hand, it's a loss. Period. As you all know - the second you find out you are pregnant, it is impossible not to start seeing what your life could be like 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12 months down the road.  You picture it all...flashing through your mind.  Of course when you have had a loss before, you know that things don't work out sometimes.  You've been there.  Maybe more than once.  But somehow, it still doesn't stop you from considering all that could be if things were to work out.  You hear that whisper in your ear reminding you of what could go wrong....but you still believe.  And believe, I did.  Until I didn't anymore.  Once I started bleeding, I knew it was over.  And it has sucked.  Having to get my blood drawn about 10 times in the last 4 weeks.  Having to get a sonogram to see nothing but a thin uterine lining...just to remind you and really set it in stone that there ain't nothin going on in there.  It all sucks...for lack of a better term.

BUT - on the other hand - it does give Bruno and I hope.  We are really trying to see the silver lining in all of this.  It has now been 1.5 years since we stopped avoiding pregnancy.  I can't really say that we've been "trying" for that long, because I've barely had any cycles....so it really hasn't given us much of a chance at trying.  But after a number of failed clomid cycles, it did give us a huge boost in hope to see those 2 pink lines.  More hope that I will conceive again.  So - as I go through the crazy cycle of emotions...I always try to circle it back to hope....letting hope get the last words in, so to speak.  Not always easy to do...but I try anyway, as much as I possibly can.

Marco - I know you have been with me through all of this.  You've been hugging my heart extra tight.  Here's to HOPE for a living little sibling for your little sibling.  

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