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I’m suffering from horrible writers block here. I’ve written paragraphs and deleted them about 3 times. I guess I just need to write – let it flow – after all, I started this blog as a way to process my thoughts and feelings. There’s no right or wrong. Nothing major is going on…life is actually really good right now – the best it’s been in 3 ½ years. Lucia is thriving and rapidly discovering new things about the world, I have a good work/life balance with my part-time schedule and working from home, things with Bruno and I are really good (God love him for putting up with my craziness). Is it just human nature that even when things are going well, we still want more?? How could I even ask for more when everything is so good? I think it’s really a mind game – my silly mind getting the best of me again. Basically I still haven’t had a real cycle on my own since having Lucia – 16 months ago. My OB tried Provera in the spring which didn’t really bring on a full bleed. She put me on birth control pills for a month in June which did produce a bleed, but then nothing after that. Not knowing what else to do for me, she sent me to a reproductive endocrinologist. Although I do want to get pregnant again, my main goal in going to the RE was for them to help me get my cycle back. Up until when I went to the RE, I wasn’t really feeling too stressed about getting pregnant…just focused on getting my cycles back so that eventually I can try again. Well it turns out if you go to the RE that you’ll automatically be stressed about getting pregnant and want to get pregnant, even if that wasn’t your #1 goal for going. After my initial appointment, I just felt overwhelmed and almost a little uncomfortable, though I couldn’t really pinpoint why. It’s a very large practice here in the MD/VA/DC metro area – lots of locations – they have commercials on the radio, etc. I like to assume positive intent, but I do think that they do whatever they can to get business and keep their success rates/statistics high. Anyway – I had some tests done there which were essentially “normal” – normal hormones, normal looking uterine cavity/ovaries/fallopian tubes. One ovary was polycystic. Bruno and I were both turned off however, so we’re not going back. I’m just going to keep working w/ my OB. I saw her a few weeks ago and told her how I felt after seeing the RE. She is so awesome and supportive. I showed her my results. Her plan for me is to go back on birth control for another month and then take Provera every 35 days or so if I don’t get a period on my own. Then when I want to start trying, she suggests Clomid. I guess what’s got me all worked up is that this has just thrown me for a loop. I didn’t expect to just not get a period at all this long after having Lucia. When I had extremely long/irregular cycles after having Marco, I just thought that was due to the stress/grief I was dealing with at the time. Before getting pregnant with Marco, I was on birth control for something like 9 years, and before that I was always regular – like a clock. Part of my frustration is also that no one can tell me why they’re irregular. The RE suggested that my chemicals aren’t signaling my body to do what it should. Being an angel momma – you’d think that nothing would throw me for a loop anymore – but I guess I have to just admit to myself that I am human, and that it’s ok to feel some disappointment when things don’t go as I hoped they would – even if whatever it is doesn’t come close to comparing to the loss of a baby. On a different note – I know that December is an especially tough month for a lot of us here on SHARE due to the holidays. You are all in my thoughts, and I hope that everyone is able to experience some peace – even if just a little. Marco – it’s that time of year again, December – the month you were originally due to be born. You were going to be a Christmas baby. Lucia helped us hang your ornament on the tree this year. We love you so much.