As we are preparing for Jadon to start middle school, I can't help but think that this year Trinity should be going into 4th grade. Her 9th birthday is just 7 days away.
This past weekend we were school clothes shopping and I found myself walking alone through the girls clothing department at JC Penny's. I starting looking around seeing all the different styles. Watching the mothers and their daughters looking through the racks. I watched, wondering what Trinity would pick out if she had lived, what would she be into? I tried to blend in, picking up items and placing them back down. As though I know in my heart she would have loved that shirt. Everyone around me busy with what they are doing. Trying to hold back the tears beginning to stream down my face. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs how unfair this all is.
The hardest part nine years later isn't the fact she died, we couldn't prevent that. Now the hardest part is what we really missed out on by her passing. I remember when we said goodbye, my heart was broken. I couldn't think past that day. I couldn't comprehend the things I was really going to miss out on. Of Course later I though of missing her walking, playing, proms, graduations, wedding day. But as the years go on I am slowly seeing all the smaller things that I am missing out on. The things you don't realize are memories until they pass or are non-existent. I remember as a little girl I would go shopping with my mom, we would shop till we dropped, fight over our difference in opinions on clothing, laugh, giggle, have lunch. I hate that I will not have that with my daughter.
Who would her teacher be this year? Would she rush into school on meet the teacher day excited about which friends would be in her class again this year? Would I be mending a broken heart when she realized her and her best friend would be in different classes? What would it be like the drag her through the isle of Walmart school supplies isles... Would she begged me for the cute Lisa Frank folders with cute kitty cats (are those even around anymore). What kind of child would she be? Shy, talkative, everyone's friend, silly? I think because her birthday falls near back to school time the "should-have-been Milestones" hits hard.
I know that her birthday coming up has adds a whole new level to the emotions with this missed milestone. But even nine years later I miss her. With all my heart, I miss her. I wish I was mothering my daughter here on earth instead of mothering her memory.
I just had this same moment while shopping for supplies with Abbey. I saw several other moms who had two children with them and I had to fight back the tears and focus on Abbey's first trip for supplies, instead of being sad that it wasn't Josie's third trip. I agree that you don't realize how these little things are going to jump out at you, even years later. Wishing you peace as you approach her birthday.
Love and Hugs
Sending lots of love. "The things you don't realize are memories until they pass or are non-existent." Wow... this is so very very true. I'm thinking of you and Trinity extra as her birthday approaches.
hugs, hugs and more hugs. Nicki
No words. Just love.
I think back to school will always serve as a reminder of what should have been. I keep thinking of you this month as Trinity's birthday gets closer. It's hard to believe how much time has passed. Sending you lots of hugs.
Sending you much love and thinking of Trinity as her birthday gets closer.
I've been having those thoughts as well about Sean lately. Thinking of you!
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