Has it really been 8 years and 363 days since my daughter was born and passed.
I have been told multiple times of the last few days how strong I am. This seems to happen year after year.
"I can't imagine"
"I don't know how you do it"
"You are the strongest person I know"
Strong- (adj) The definition of strong refers to someone or something who can exert a lot of power or force, or is the ability to do a task very well
I don't think that word correctly describes the way I feel. It is not a word I think I would ever use to describe what I have gone through or what I am going through as we are staring the 9 year mark in the face. For the next 48 hours I will relived the hardest days of my life. I will relive the guilt, fear, anxiety and so much more. I will cry and be angry at the world. I will utter the words "it's not fair" more times than I can count. Instead of lighting candles on a birthday cake, we will take flowers to the memorial with her name etched on it. My boys will see tears roll down my face although I will fight hard to prevent them from seeing it. I will tell people "I'm fine" if asked how I am doing when deep down it is taking everything I can to not fall apart.
I feel alone. Its the one time of the year that I feel the loneliest. Like tonight when the rest of the house is sleeping I'm sitting here alone with my thoughts. I'm trying.
As well meaning as those statements are, I too don't find them helpful. The reality is that some days we didn't "do it", because we didn't even get out of bed, some days even we couldn't imagine it either, because the grief wouldn't let us except reality. I don't know how we survived but we did and the reality of that is that sometimes surviving isn't all its cracked up to be because it hurts.
As usual this time of year my heart breaks for you. I can feel your heart ache a thousand miles away and it hurts my heart because I know just how empty you feel. I am powerless to help you and that makes the hurt even worse. I wish I could be there with you with so much going on in the same week. I am sending you lots of hugs.
Sending many hugs to you Samantha and keeping you and Trinity in my thoughts.
I cannot wrap my mind around the time that has gone by, but I know it feels like it was just yesterday. Hold onto your boys. Know that I'm thinking about you and your angel Trinity and sending love to your family.
Real hugs are on their way,
It's been a long time since we've been in touch, but I want you to know that I think of you often, especially this time of year. I know that I can't say anything to dull the ache that your arms and heart feels for your precious daughter, so I won't try, but know that I love you, I miss you, and I'm thinking of you and your sweet Trinity. xo
All those feelings and thoughts sound just like what comes out of my mind around Sean's birthday. Thinking of you during this time!
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