I tried climbing into bed and just couldn't fall asleep. So many emotions running through my head and many of which I wasn't expecting. Tonight was day two of trying to get Jaxson in his own toddler bed in his own room. For the past two years his crib as been in our room. I guess I felt I needed him near. It took us so long to get him here and we almost lost him too. After losing Trinity and trouble TTC I needed him near me. Now that he is two I figured it was time to move him into his own bed. Last night was okay and I felt him crawl up in between Derek and I and then climb into his crib. (we were using it as a co sleeper wedged between our bed and the wall) I wasn't ready for the emotions all this has brought about. Tonight when I climbed into bed and looked over at his crib the emptiness I felt was so much to bare I had to get up, tried taking a shower, Still couldn't sleep, and now here I am.
My not so little baby is growing up faster than I can imagine, with that comes the closing of a chapter. I am not ready to close this chapter yet due to medical issues I know deep down that this is best. I have two blood clotting disorders and I have rough pregnancies, three premature babies, one of which we said goodbye to, I know the odds are not in my favor. It's just hard when you feel like that choice has been taken from you.
So how do I come to terms with this? How do I make myself feel better about closing this chapter? I know I am blessed to have my boys. But the idea of never rocking a sleeping baby of my own again is a hard pill to swallow. My heart hurts tonight and I want to go scoop him up and hold on to the last little bit of his baby'ness.
So in the next few days I will dissemble his crib. I will pack up the last little bit of baby item I have laying around and brace myself for the toddler years. None of which I am ready for. I wish for a second I could go back and snuggle his baby self one more time. Cuddle him a little longer, rock him to sleep one more time. But instead I will look over his baby pictures, then sneak into his room and give him one more kiss goodnight, and head to bed.
Right there with you mama- oh to go back just for a moment! I can't believe how fast these 2 years have gone. I too find myself looking through baby pictures with a very big lump in my throat.
Your boys are so adorable- and are growing up way too fast!!
I remember going through this after Tucker was born. Even though I knew I didn't want more babies (we always said three), and I was getting older (38), and I knew the odds were good that next time we wouldn't be so lucky (steDy increase in premature birth), I still mourned. I can't really explain it even now, but I will say that I had to allow myself time to grieve. Take your time, snuggle often, and know that it is ok. Hugs and prayers...
I love the pictures of your boys. One day, I'm going to bring Charlie down to terrorize them. :)
Go scoop him up while you can... there is always time for him to be a big boy... only so long to be a mama's boy.
Much love to you
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