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Bittersweet August you have arrived.  I love you and hate you at the same time.  

In just 7 days my sweet 34 weeker will become a teenager,  I am not sure how time has passed so quickly.  My sweet wild boy who needed me so much those first few years does not need me so much now.  He about to embark into his last year of Middle school.  He is feisty,  full of personality, loves to draw, loves his games, has an amazing best friend who help him grow socially in so many ways.  My little boy is not nearly as little.  We are still battling with some breathing issues along with his ADHD and I don't know if we will find a balance any time soon.  Often times we just take it one moment at a time.

And then the 18th.  How has it been 11 years since I last held my girl in my arms. Trinity Leeigh you are missed.   I'm not sure how we got here.  I still remember the feeling of not surviving that first day, week, month and yet here we are 11 years.  In 11 years I have learned more about myself and my heart.  

Grief is funny.  I read in article last week, I don't remember the name of it or which of my friends posted it.  But the one line I took away from it was "grief doesn't just say okay I have been here long enough its time for me to go"  OHHH HOW TRUE IS THAT.   Grief doesn't go away.  Its always there just under the surface.  I think 11 years has allowed me to gain a little bit of control as to when the grief breaks through but it has not gone away.  I miss her every day.  I miss all the things that were taken from me the moment she passed away.  All those missed memories and missed milestones.  I often wonder what she would be like at 11.  Would she be feisty and artistic like her older brother or would just she just be a ball full of energy like Jaxson.  Would she like dresses and shopkins like my niece or be a tom boy who like to play softball.  I can imagine her having long brown hair and deep brown eyes.  Oh how she would have her daddy wrapped around her finger. I'll never know who she would have been so I allow my imagination to take over sometimes.  I don't know who she would have been today but because of her I know who I am today and I hope I make her proud.  

Then there is Jaxson, my sweet 4lb rainbow baby who has completed our family.  Oh this boy never stops.  He is four about to be five in September.  He will start preschool in just twelve days.  Boy is he ready.  He is smart and full of energy.  He thinks his brother is his hero.  He is a daddy's boy and can not wait to play t-ball again.  He is ready to take on the world at four.  I do not think his preschool has any clue what they are getting into when it come to him.  This past month he has wanted to grow up and be buzz lightyear, a rapper, a cowboy, and an artist.

With the school year 12 days away I have no clue what I will do with myself.  When Jadon started preschool he still needed me due to his medical stuff.  Jaxson does not need me like Jadon did.  I really feel like I have not clue what I will do with myself once I drop them both off at school on the 14th.  Maybe Ill go back to school and finish what I started before loss sidetracked me.  Maybe I'll find a way to volunteer in the NICU.  Maybe my house will be a little cleaner :/  

Bittersweet August you have arrived.  I do not know what emotions this month will hold but I will survive you!