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Ohhh August. A month full of bittersweet moment. How our lives go from celebrating the birthday of our 15 year old former preemie, to just days later me struggling to hold it all together as we grieve over the loss of our sweet girl on her 13th heavenly birthday. Add to that the milestones that go alone with kids starting back to school.

Jadon turned 15 last Friday. I have no clue how this incredible kiddo is already 15 years old. He just started his sophomore year of highs school. All the years and struggles we have had, as he tried to find his way. He managed to pull off A/B honor roll and a 3.5 GPA to end out his freshman year. For those who don't know our story this is a huge victory for him. I have watch him struggle for years and I think everything finally clicked and he just gets it. He starting to make plans about college and has goals. A few years ago I never though this would be a conversation he would even be interested in. But he is working so hard and I am beyond proud of the young man he is becoming.

Jaxson started first grade this week. Ohh the tears as your last little one, your rainbow baby, hits milestones you know you will never see again. I wish time would just slow down. Looking at him you would never know he was born 8 weeks premature.

Now we are just day away from our girl's 13th Birthday. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that we had to say goodbye. Other time is seems like a lifetime ago that I held her tiny self in my arms as she said goodbye. I look back and think about how much pain consumed those early day. How I never thought I would survive the first day.... let alone the days and weeks that would follow. And here we are starring 13 years in the face. How I wish I knew her 13 year old self. What would she be like, who would she look like, what would she be interested in. I think about all the moments I have had to miss out on. Like first steps, first day of Kindergarten, father daughter dances, first day if middle school. I can't help but get stuck on all the missed memories yet to come. Graduating, wedding day, grandbabies, and so many milestone in between. I will forever miss the mother-daughter relationship we never had the chance to have.

13 years has changed me. I am no where near the person I was before she was born and died. I don't look at things the same way. I feel things much more than I did before. I put so much value in my relationships with other people. I hold on tight to the friendship I have made here on this site.

I miss her. More than any amount of words can truly say. I know the next few day leading up to her birthday will be rough. I know I will struggle. But I know most of all that I will survive.