It has been far to long since I have blogged. Things have been busy and crazy around here.
It amazes me how life can feel like its finally getting on track after a loss and then one small thing can send you spiraling back to that moment 8 1/2 years ago when we had to say goodbye. The last few month I have struggled with feeling alone. Like no one around me gets it. Today I head a quote on facebook that said
"Sometimes the right decision isn't the one where everything works out for you in the end. Sometimes its the one that rips your heart out and sends you spiraling into hell to save someone else from pain."
This quote immediatly sent me back to the moment, sitting in the hospital room full of Doctors, specialist, nurses. All telling me that our daughter would be born soon and giving me all the worst case senerios of what to expect if we chose to use life saving measures. I will never forget the words. "She has a growth restriction, and she is very small for her gestational age. Trying to save her may cause more damage than good" We were left with a decision no parent should ever have to make. Of course I wanted to scream, "SAVE HER" from the bottome of my heart. But my brain took over and all I could think about was the pain and struggle she would face and even then there was no gaurentee that she would survive. We were told that life saving measures would only prolong the inevitable. She was 11.4 oz at 25 weeks.
So her daddy and I did the hardest thing we have ever had to do. We signed a DNR order on our daughter. A decision that to this day I question. Did I make the right decision? Do we put her needs ahead of our own? would she have lived if we had chose to "fight" for her a little longer? Did we let her down?
With fathers day tomorrow I can help but wonder about her and her daddy's relationship. Would she have her Daddy wrapped around her little fingure. Would I watch her twirl her new dress around the house to show it off to her daddy. Would he be the man that she would grow up and compare her future husband to. What I wouldnt give to watch her walk off to a daddy/ daughter dance arm and arm. I hate that Derek was robbed of these experiences.
I hope that one day I will be able to look back at those moments 8 1/2 years ago and be okay with the decision we made. I hope I will one day full accept that we did the best we could with what we were give.
I like that quote very much- how true. I wish you all the peaceful moments possible. Having known you as a mommy to all three of your children, not for a moment do I think anything you did or didn't do let her down. Your decisions are grounded in the deepest love possible.
I can't think of a decision anymore selfless and loving. I'm thinking of you and hope you find peace.
Sam, we make the best decisions we are able to make in the moment with the information we have. I can only imagine how hard that decision was for you and your husband -- and one that no parent should ever have to make. Many hugs to you.
Sending so much love. I can't imagine having to make that decision, but I'm sure you made the right one from a place of selfless love that mothers know best.
Your right no parent should have to make those decisions. I remember telling a doctor 3 years ago as I was walking out the same thing giving that DNR order. Yet I still ended up having to make even harder decisions a few days later. I too still have those days were I wonder was it the right thing...many hugs to you. Nicki
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