Samarella's Journal

blame game

  • Why can't you blame God?  Or at least be mad at him?  He's God, he can handle it!  He'll still love you and be there for you through it all.  I was mad at God after losing the girls, pissed really, and he didn't smite me for it.

    I told you already, we're all here for you to help you pick up the pieces if you need to fall apart.  Your baby will NOT be forgotten, ever.  Do what gives you the most peace as far as trying again.  I can't believe though that this was a sign for you to stop.  I know how much you want to hold a little one in your arms again, and I believe that it will happen for you.

    You've broken no rules.  Like Katie said, babies aren't awarded to us by merit (though I think they should be!).  It's crap all that's happened to you and us.  Sending tons of hugs your way.


  • I wish there were easy answers... you and I both know they don't exist, which makes this journey that much harder.  I wish I could tell you why... at the same time... would any reason ever really be good enough?  Of course not, there are some things that just defy any type of reason.

    Hugs momma,


  • I have been where you are now.  I have always been a believer.  When I lost my second child I was so angry with God.  We had been trying for over a year, I had been clinging to promises in the Bibel ( hearts desire) , etc.  When I finally got preg, again I just KNEW this would be my time.  I had so much faith.  Then one short week later I was devastated and heartbroken and mad as hell!  Why?  Why would He give me what I so desperately wanted just to take it away?  Why did he choose to NOT help my baby?  I mean if he is an all powerful god then he could have saved my child!  To be honest I came very close to loosing my faith.  But instead I stayed in church, prayed, and read the book of Job about 1000 times.  What I discovered is that even Job was mad at God, even Job questioned, etc.  Then I Beth to read Genesis and Isiah and what I found finally restored my faith.  It goes back to original sin and Adam and Eve.  God's plan was NOT for us to suffer; he created a paradise for us, but when Adam sinned we choose wisdom over God.  I truly believe that broke His heart.  What I finally came to understand and believe is that while God doesn't prevent tragedies (free will) he is there with us.  It's like the old poem "Footprints in the Sand" He carries us when we can't go on.  I will be honest and say that this was a process that took well over a year, and even now some of those old doubts and questions resurface, but I just go back to prayer.  I KNOW that without this experience in would not have made it through Tucker's birth and NICU stay.  I was able to rely on God in a way I never had and found peace in my darkest hour knowing that whatever happened He would be with me.

    You have done nothing wrong.  You are not a bad person.  It was NOT because you did not pray enough or go to church enough!  It just was.  It stinks.  It's not fair.  It's abtragedy, but it is NOT you fault!  I hope some of what I said helps.  Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.  God bless,


    Ps:  if you ever want to talk please feel free to send me a Facebook message and I will send you my number.

  • Blame nature ... the random, pointless, emotionless force that rules all animals, including humans. Believe me, I know the stunning unfairness of the situation and the only thing that makes sense to me is that the world is random and has absolutley no consideration for what is fair and just. All nature cares about is that the human race goes on, not which ones of us get to perpetuate it. I don't know if that helps you at all, but, as I said, it's the only thing that makes sense to me when I look around at all the people who don't "deserve" to have children and then my 4 bedroom house is empty.

    You don't need to take a step right now. Just be still and know that we are there with our arms around you in spirit. I wish I could do more.


  • I don't understand the reasons for things that happen, and I've come to understand that as an earthly momma....I never will.  God can definately handle your questions and will give you comfort through this struggle.  I wish I knew the "right" words to say, but know that I'm continuing to pray for you and send HUGS to you!!


  • Sam -

    I have no words, other than we're here, you're not alone, it's okay to be angry. I don't understand why such horrible things happen to good people. I've often wondered where I went wrong in my life after certain things have happened. Your baby will never, ever be forgotten.  This beautiful Share family would never let that happen.

    Hugs, sweet.  


  • I wish I knew why people have to go through so much pain, while others seem to be so fortunate in life.  My hope is that you will not blame yourself and that in time when ready, you might try again.

    I just want you to know that I am thinking about you and I'm sending you love and strength.


  • i blamed god and constantly asked him why...why me why am i sick and now my child suffers was i that bad of a person to have a child at 19..did i really ashame family couldnt ever relate to my feeling of anger and often wondered y i didnt attend church i was mad that my daughter was given such a bad heart..but in the end i found god and understood god only gives us what he KNOWS we can handle and you will see that this is probably just a way to make you prepare for trying again..because you never know what the outcome is until you try just keep this in mind HE WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH

  • Oh Samantha. I've been offline for awhile now. I had no idea. I'll never understand why things like this happen. I wish there was something I could do. I feel so helpless. If there is anything you need, if you just need to talk to someone, you have my number. You are such a wonderfully loving person and I'm here if you need me. I wish you weren't so stinkin far away so I could give you a great big hug right now. Until I can, I'll be praying for you.

  • Hi Sam,

    I agree with the other ladies -- you have every right to be angry ... and don't be upset at yourself for feeling that way. It isn't fair -- life is never fair for the good people in this world like you and others here.

    I'm sorry that you are feeling so alone in your daily life -- and it's likely that people just don't want to say. that obviously doesn't excuse the silence, though.

    Please take care of yourself and check in often here. This is your forum -- we are your friends -- and you are definitely not alone.

    love, erin