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I wrote a blog back in August to the teacher Jaxson would have before I knew who she would be (I never gave her the letter).  Then when I met her at meet the teacher I fell apart, 1. because I didn't want him to start school. He was ready but I was NOT and 2.  He had a little girl named Trinity in his class and I was not prepared for the added emotions that added to me not ready to let him go.  So I fell apart and explained to his teacher why I was having a hard time and to worn her that Jaxson may mention his sister and I wanted her to be prepared for the conversation should it arise. Jaxson has never been around another child who share the name of his sister in heaven.  

I wanted to Share with his teacher what her part in this year meant to both me and Jaxson.  So I wrote her a letter and attached a copy of the blog letter I wrote to her before I knew who she would be.  Here is what I wrote her today  and a copy of the letter from a previous blog.  

Mrs M,

 I shared with you a little about our families story on the day we met you and I was crying as I watch Jaxson getting ready to start Kindergarten. I was a mess that day. I started blogging shortly after our daughter was born a passed away, 12 years ago. Before I knew who you would be, I wrote you a letter on my blog. I have attached a copy of the letter I wrote you back in August.

 This year has been a hard year of learning to let go. Jaxson is our Rainbow baby (which is what a baby after a loss is called). Since the day he arrived 8 weeks early, I have held on to him as hard as I could. I worried, cried, celebrated every single moment since he arrived. I knew that when he started Kindergarten I would have to let go of the grip I had on him. I had to let him grow, bloom without me watching and being a part of his every waking moment. This year it's been hard to step back and watch as another person consumed his days, thoughts, excitements. I had to step back as another person became one of the most important persons in his life. But I knew the moment we met he was in safe hands. I knew that I could take a step back and watch from the sidelines. We both needed that safe place to grow. I can never thank you enough for all you have taught him this year. I can not thank you for teaching him to love school and learning. For helping him find joy in reading and Math. Thank you for teaching him about friendship and teamwork with his classmates. Thank you for helping him grow. Thank you for encouraging the gentle heart he has.

 I hope that as he travels to his new school and first grade that we continue to find teachers like you. Teachers that help shape him into the young man he will one day be. I hope you always remember the difference you are making in the lives of these children you are teach, as well as their parents.

 Thank you for loving Jaxson and allowing for a safe place for me to let go a little. I appreciate you with all my heart.

 Jaxson's Mom

A letter to his Kindergarten Teacher. August 2019,

Here we are just 11 days before school starts. I don't know who you will be yet as we will not find out till next week. Here is what I need you to know. This sweet little boy whose hand I will be struggling to let go of means more to me than you can begin to imagine. I know you have encountered so many anxious moms over the years but I may be a little different. You see this sweet little boy is a miracle baby. Years before his arrival we lost his big sister at birth. It took us years to try again and another loss before he existed. He then arrived premature and fought to live. You see I never thought we would experience a first day of kindergarten after our oldest son accomplished that task 9 years ago. When we lost our daughter and struggle to conceive I never thought we would be here again .

So this anxious momma will stay up the night before watching him sleep. Trying to figure out just how time went by so fast. I will pack his lunch and maybe repack it so I know it's perfect. I will pick out his clothes, sock, shoes. That morning I will make him his favorite breakfast and I know him, he will be full of such excitement because I know he is so ready for Kindergarten. I will fight hard on that first day to let go of his hand. I will hold back an ocean of tears because I do not want him to see me falling apart. I may linger at the door a little longer than most moms, fighting for one more glimpse of him before he becomes a big kid. I will get in my car before the flood of tears will be unleashed. I will sit in the parking lot a little longer because I know I wont be able to drive through the tears. I will sit home on that first day watching the clock. I will worry about how his day is going, if the kids are nice, and praying that he doesn't think for one second that I abandoned him, hoping he know how much I love him. I pray that you will care for him as if he was one of your own. I pray that you can see the gentle heart he has. I hope you notice how his smile can truly light up your day. I hope you can enjoy that moment of excitement he get and how his face light up like a Christmas tree. I hope you can see how bright he is. I hope you can see how very much loved he is.

So I need you to know that on that first day as I fight to let go of his hand understand why it is so very hard. Please give me those extra moment I may need to find my courage to let go. And if day 2 comes around and I still seem to have trouble letting go of his hands please have patience with me.

Much love

A very anxious momma