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Samarella's Journal

Failed!

Will I ever not feel like I've failed? My body failed Jadon causing him to be born 5.5 weeks to soon with major respiratory issues. My body failed Trinity big time!!! MY body failed Jaxson and thank goodness I was went to the hospital that night. I know the reality of what an hour would have made, and sometime its overwhelming to think about. However, again my body is failing me. All I wanted was a normal pregnancy, birth, and everything to be normal. I wanted to be able to nurse. Jaxson 16 days in the NICU has hindered that. He's become lazy, nursing is to much work. So I pump! The one thing momma should be able to do nurse and give him all the good stuff he needs. But No! I can't even do this right. Jaxson is eating 3oz every 3 to 3.5 hours. I'm pumping maybe 1.5 to 2oz every three hours. I've tried increasing water, fenugreek, oatmeal, skin to skin.... nothing. My heart aches that my body had once again let me down. With what I'm pumping and have frozen if something doesn't change I will most likely have to move to a special 22cal formula by next week. I'm devestated! Why can I do this right. Maybe its baby blues, with the added guilt pf mot being able yo prodice enough.... but I never imagined the feeling that rush over you when your rainbow arrives. I long for Trinity more. What would she think of her little bother? I watched long island median and she talked about loved Ives holding a soul before it comes to earth. I'd like to think that my FIL and Trinity held Jaxson soul before sending him to us. I believe he had some big hands watching over him that night. As for my medical heath. I was diagnosed with a form of Lupus anticoagulant. I have been put on daily shots called lovenox and I HATE IT! I feel like a pin cushion. I have weekly blood work and Jaxson has weekly weight checks and please don't think on complaining! I'm thankful for every minute.... I just wish I didn't have all this and I could have just had normal, just this once!

  • Sam,

    I'm so sorry that you're having issues with low milk supply.  I had this too with Lucia.  I was

    truly devastated.  I never imagined that I would have this issue, and I too felt like a failure - like my body was failing me - yet again.

    I was depressed about it (I think hormones played a role), and cried just about every day.  I talked to numerous lactation consultants, and tried everything.  It took me about 3 weeks, but I finally made peace with it.  You will too, in your own time.

    Be kind and gentle on yourself.  You're a wonderful mother who loves her 3 children dearly.

    Hugs,

    Libby

  • First let me say that Jaxson is beautiful.  He's so precious I can't even stand it.

    Second, I am so sorry that things are so hard right now.

    I absolutely get where you're coming from on the nursing thing.  I wasn't able to nurse either of my girls.  It was completely my fault too.  They simply couldn't latch.  Like you, I pumped and it was horrible.  The misery of being attached to that pump and then handing the milk to someone else to feed to my baby while I cleaned all the pump equipment was horrible.

    But really, almost six years out from the last baby, I am almost over it.  :-)  Almost, yes.  Because in the end, even if you put him on formula, you're nurturing him, you're loving him, you're doing the very best you can for him and that's really, truly all that matters.

    Please know that so many people are pulling for you and your sweet family.

    Take care of yourself,

    Tommie

  • What a cutie!!!  Love those pouty lips!

    As for the milk....I can relate.  I didn't get that experience either, but I had to switch to the mindset that I was still giving what she needed....she was getting it from a bottle!  I know it's tough, but keep thinking of the positives and not the negatives to help you get through these situations.  

    Sending hugs to all of you!!

    Tracy

  • Sam:

    So sorry for your low milk supply, I think it is just luck... With S I did everything possible and no milk, and with Valentina it was super easy despite she was more days in NICU... so be gentle to yourself, believe me it has nothing to do with you... you are a super mom, with *** milk or bottle, so do not worry

    Jaxson is beautiful.... love the pic...

    hugs

    Lorena

  • Hi Sam!

    First and foremost, you are blessed!  You are blessed with two beautiful children, remember that!

    I too, quit lactating, within a month of T being born.  Talked to my OB, they prescribed Reglan over the phone.  It did work for a couple of weeks, however, didn't last me long enough for T's 2nd months of life.  I understand everything you are saying in this blog.  The hospital starting putting T on 22 cal enfamil, and I'm pretty sure you can get it through WIC with a prescription from your pediatric Dr.  I would call the company begging for coupons every week because of the cost.  Friends in Dr.'s offices would send me cases.  Our family(thank goodness) bought us cases of it, too.

    I'll be thinking of you and Jaxson non stop,

    Liz

  • Samantha, I'm so very sorry for all of these feelings.  I wasn't able to nurse D properly after his NICU stay.  I had tons of milk with T, but had to stop giving it to him as it was contributing to his jaundice.  I know it's hard, but give yourself a break.  You are one AMAZING mommy to all of your babies.  I hope that you can get some help with the formula cost.

    Thinking of you all,

    Lindsay

  • I can't really say much about nursing except that it sucks that it's not working out as you'd hoped. I can say something about Lovenox, though. Wait until you've been on it a week or so and every injection turns into a bruise the size of an apple! I have so much scarring on my abdomen from four years of injections that it also made hard lumps the last time I was on it. I was tempted to take a picture to show my future babies how much I love them!

    I hope that you can find a way to focus on the fact that despite what you see as shortcomings, you saved Jaxson's life, Sam. Without your tenacity, that hour would have passed and things might be very different. No matter what you can't do for him now, you gave him life. LIFE! If it takes formula to keep him growing, so be it. He is precious beyond words.

    Shannon

  • HUGS!

  • I'm late to this post- just wanted to say how absolutely precious lil' Jaxon is!!