I wanted to make a beautiful post on how wonderful Mother's day has been. However I have been faking it all day and Im tired.
so this is what I got....
I am blessed that despite my body failing me multiple time I gave birth to two beautiful boys who are over all doing very well.
I am blessed to have carried my daughter for 25 weeks yet my body failed her and we had to say goodbye.
I am blessed that over all Jadon is a beautiful loving child even though I was not the best mom when Trinity passed away and we laid in bed and watched A LOT of Spongebob.
I am blessed to have met some of the most amazing people here since saying goodbye many are the only ones who "get it"
I am blessed that Jaxson does't understand death
I am blessed that Jadon Loves is baby brother and his baby sister!
I am blessed that I have learned to fake it on days like today so my boys don't see me cry
I am blessed that my boys will be tucked safe into bed when the night falls and I finally fall apart.
Just when I think I have figured all this Grief stuff out I realize I don't and I was Naive to think I ever did in the first place. Tonight my heart hurts. So many people in my real world tell me how strong I am and how they don't think they could have been as strong. ohhh if they only knew the truth. If they only knew 7 1/2 years later I still cry almost daily. The trigger could be a commercial, song, another little girl, or simple a trip to target when I see a cute dress or bow and wish I was buying it for my baby girl! Time DOES NOT heal ALL wounds!
My thoughts are with you today mama. How about instead of however... and. Because isn't that really what makes the days so bittersweet that we simultaneously live these two lives- one filled with joy and one that hurts- and usually all at once making it so complicated.
I don't think there is anything "weak" in 7.5 years later crying. Grief is the price we pay for a love so deep it could never end. Those tears don't say weak to me, they say forever in love.
Hi Sam. Happy belated mother's day to you. I totally get the faking it. I, too, had a day yesterday that made me feel more sad than happy, even though my girls and hubby did much to make it a nice day. There isn't anything wrong with crying daily for our babies -- it shows just how much we love them and how deep that connection is. Lauren's right ... grief is the price we pay for love.
Happy Mother's Day to you. I really like Lauren's reframe of using "and". Simple and powerful. We have extreme love for our little ones we get to raise, and grief for the loss of our little ones who are no longer here. It sure is complicated.
Thinking of you and sending a big hug your way,
Thinking about you and many hugs to you. I get those days of faking it. how good we get to be at doing it...but I also think that it's okay to be sad and cry. We lost our little ones that we grew inside us and we loved them very much even if they were here only a short time.
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