After talking to an awesome SHARE friend and "real world friend" today, I learned a few thing. Many of which I probably already know many I'm dealing with, and I'm "trying"
First off : I fear change. That is probably why as I sat in front of my computer looking at this beautiful new web site we have here, know all to well the hard work and dedication that went into this, I found myself balling my eyes out. As I stated in my last blog I have not been the most forth coming with this new share, as we have talked about this change I asked a lot of question at the workshop dedicated to the matter at past SU's/ I was terrified I would lose my safe place. Afraid of the one thing that has kept me hanging on through the years would change. Afraid of the unknown I guess I should say. And although I'm not as lost a was, I'm coming around. I was just worried I would lose the security I felt on Share. Funny how you can feel so secure on such a public forum. But I did. I was welcomed here with open arms, and virtual hugs. Never once did I feel judged or unaccepted. My feeling mattered, more importantly my DAUGHTERS LIFE MATTERED! that I can never repay you all for. So I'm going to put my big girl panties on and embrace New SYS and put my heart in it 100%. I hope that on the new SHARE I am able to reach out to one person and make a difference as so many of you have to me. And again "if you cant change it, change the way you feel about it"
Secondly: I will never have my rose colored glasses back, I will never be the mom never has to worry. I have lived every parents worst case scenario, I have planned a funeral for my dead child! I feel like after Jaxson was born I let my guard down, he was here. Both my boys were here and over all they are healthy, heck they're alive! But as soon as I let my guard down Jaxson got sick. He was almost septic. I felt like I almost lost him, for the 2nd time I had almost lost him. I feel like I will never not worry, I feel like I will never be able to live as though bad things don't lurk around ever corner. Does that feeling ever go away? will I ever truly let my guard down?
James, Cara, and their amazing team: Thank you for what you have done here. Thank you for understanding why share is so important to us and doing your best to ensure the meaning of SYS stays intact. For handling our "safe place" with such care!
Thanks to all the SYS member who have all had a hand in making this process as easy as possible.
I too had/have many fears about the new site- I actually made sure I had the "old share" open in a browser window last night, because I knew when I woke up, it would probably be updated and I wanted to keep eyes on it a lil' longer. My heart sank a lil' when I accidentally quit the browser and realized I had just made it go away, forever. Not being able to see something again- I think we know why that leaves us feeling so vulnerable.
I am so thankful that Jaxon is on the mend. It was very scary to hear what was happening to him. It was your amazing mommy instincts that knew what was right for him, even with your "guard down".
When I read what you wrote... if you take away the "I feel like"... you are just left with, "I will never be able to live as though bad things don't lurk around ever corner." And I think that is the truest of the true- you will never be able to LIVE in that world. You could exist in it... and no doubt it could be a reality, but could you ever LIVE and truly enjoy the beauty of Jaxon, Jadon and Trinity? I wish I knew the answers to having that fear loosen it's grip.. I don't, but I do know, it's no way for us to live.
I can't imagine how scary it was for you when Jaxson got sick. I do sometimes think to myself "what if something horrible happened to Lucia??" But then I realize that I just cannot even go there and I try to bring myself back to the present. We all unfortunately learned the hard way that anything can happen at anytime. There are no guarantees. It is certainly not always easy, but it is important to try as hard as we can to live each day in the present - it's something I work at daily.
Girl---we've all had fears with this change, and me---Miss No Facebook---was fighting several changes pretty hard!! I had to come to the realization that James knows me pretty well after all this time and he wouldn't "allow" anyone to come onto this project who didn't want to "protect" us like we need to be protected. I have had to practice just like everyone else, but I think we'll help so many more people with our new connections!!
As for worrying.....I think there is no end!! Hugs!
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