Maybe its the lack of sleep, emotional overload, the helpless feeling.... actually I don't know what it is.
All I can say is this week I felt isolated. A feeling I haven't experienced in a long time. Jadon has been super sick. (as I posted a few days ago) we are going on day 6 and we are still relying on breathing treatments to make it through the day. The guilt this time around has been almost unbearable. When he was little and we dealt with this I took charge and just handled it. This time, now that he is older, I just feet helpless. Of course I jumped in and handled everything from meds to dr appointments, the battle to get food and fluid into him. But I felt helpless. Its been 11 years since we walked out those NICU doors. Almost 4 years since the last admission to the hospital, I was so naive to think just maybe we were out of the woods. I let my guard down. Then like a ton of bricks he is sick, very sick and although we didn't end up in the hospital this time, there were times where I have felt like he should have been.
It been so hard and I feel isolated in my feelings. Not one person I felt I could call here and just be there for me as I struggled with all this. Mainly the guilt. Not one person I felt I could call and say I feel guilty, I feel like I failed him. My big kiddo has not been himself and its breaking my heart. He is still not eating and he can not afford to lose any more weight. He's struggling mostly at night to breath. He is sleeping a lot which is very out of character for him. Sometimes I wish I had people close to me who I can call that will just "get it". Someone to come over when everything is falling apart and give me a hug and remind me that I doing the best I can for him. Not a pitty party, just someone I can lean on when I feel helpless.
Tonight I sit here, while everyone else in the house is fast asleep, and watch my big kiddo breath waiting on his next treatment before I allow myself to get some rest. I pray that one day he will not have to go through this. Pray that he gets stronger and is able to fight off whatever has him so sick. Im sure this post is all over the place but Lack of sleep had taken over and the guilt is weighing heavy on my heart. I just need him to get better!
=( I wish I could come give and give you a big hug. So instead I have to send a virtual one. I"m sorry that he is sick again and hope that he starts feeling better soon. When we have to watch our kids be sick on top of lack of sleep on top of being stuck at home....It can take a major toll on our emotions. Know that even though we can't be there in person we are here for you online. Many hugs. Nicki
I am so sorry you're going through this. I'm so sorry that Jadon is going through it too. Like Nicki, I wish I lived close enough to you to come over, bring you food, give you a hug and remind you that this is not your fault.
I know that my saying that doesn't take away the guilt you're feeling but sometimes just hearing it can take away some of the sharpness of that guilt.
This is NOT your fault. You did not fail your children. You are doing the absolute best you can during a really tough time.
I hope he feels better soon and that you do to.
So many people love you, you know.
Hugs Samantha, hope Jadon is feeling better by now, and you are not feeling so sad or down, and you got some rest and good sleep.
Sending a big virtual hug your way, Samantha. It's so hard to see your kids sick, and it certainly can be a very helpless feeling. Not to mention it puts our guard up more and it makes us more physically and emotionally worn and tired. Because of all of that, it's understandable that you're feeling the way you are - but as Tommie said - try not to let that guilt get the best of you. Try as best you can to be gentle on yourself.
I hope that you get some rest and that Jadon gets better very very soon!
So sorry Jadon is so sick. It can be so hard when you are doing all that you can and still see him struggle and have to wait for the virus to work itself out of his system. Thinking of you!
Sending love mama.
Sam, I'm sorry that Jadon has been so sick. I hope that he's feeling a bit better and that your household is getting a reprieve from sickness. You must be so exhausted. I know when I am beyond tired and feeling so overwhelmed by it all, all kinds of feelings creep in and it becomes too much. I hope that you have the super woman spirit once again and that it's going better over there.
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