I have had this blog jumbled in my head for days. I don't where its going to go. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I can already feel the anxiety. My Facebook is filled with all these beautiful Mother's Day posts. As I sit here and read through I found myself needing to blog. My journey to Motherhood hasn't been easy. Its been full of joy, lots of scary moments, loss, and a miscarriage, NICU stays..... As a mother I feel horrible guilt. I feel guilty that I could not keep my children safe. I feel guilty that my body failed them. I feel guilt that my boys have had to fight to live at birth because I could not keep them safe. I feel guilty that I failed my daughter and that because of me and my body she is not here. I also feel guilty that Jadon struggles with ADHD and socially at school. (this year has been super tough). And then to top it all off I feel guilty about feeling guilty? What the heck!
I love my boys with every fiber of my body. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like if they weren't here tearing up my house at this very moment. I am beyond thankful for them, even the up all night, fever, sick kiddo from last night. I can't even put into words the depth of my love for them. And I am thankful for my girl. My baby girl that resides in heaven. I may not Mother her here on earth, but I try to mother her memory and make her proud I am her mom.
So I am going to try really hard to put the guilt aside tomorrow. I'm going to try my hardest to find my joy in the journey. This journey may not have turned out like I had wanted or planned. But it is MY journey to motherhood.
Tomorrow I will be thinking about you all here. To each of you who have battled to become mothers. To those who mother their children's memory. Each of you are the mother of all mothers to me. Be kind to yourself. I love you all. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!
Thank you Sam! I think its important to remember that not everyone has a "typical" Mother's Day celebration. Some of us stay super busy so that we don't have to pause and think. Some of us have to visit the cemetery to spend time with our children and some of us spending the day wishing we had a child to mother at all. I hope your day was peaceful and wonderful with your boys.
Love and Hugs
I love seeing all of these pictures of your sweet boys:) Yesterday was difficult, but I hope that you smiled as you watched your sons together. I know she's always on your mind. My angel is too.
Sending you love and hugs from the desert,
Happy mothers day to you! Hope your day was great! I agree, even though I am so happy thinking of my two great little guys that are here, my mind also thinks sadly of the one who is always missing. It's a day to think about all of them, which can be a little bittersweet.
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