For years I have had this internal battle that few people know about. What losing Trinity has cost Jadon. Jadon was two years old when we lost our daughter. For that first year I was winning no mother of the year award, I can guarantee that. There we many day we didn't leave our home let alone my bed. There were many days curled up watching cartoon and I barely made it out of bed to feed him. I was lost. I didn't know how to mother a child when I was so deeply grieving the loss of another child. I struggled to plant my feet firmly on the floor and move forward, despite how fast the world around me was moving. And on top of that Jadon was still having issues medically from his premature birth. He was sick a lot. I clung to Jadon. He kept me alive. That is a lot of pressure for a 2/3 year old. At 4 Jadon was diagnosed with ADHD. We were doing OT and lots of dr appointments trying to help manage his symptoms and meds as well as the asthma appointments. I had horrible guilt that I had caused his ADHD with my grief. <-- Did I just wright that??? Honestly I still to. I have horrible guilt over it and still do.
Once Jadon started elementary school I watched him struggle socially. He didn't make friend and I found him often playing by himself. Jadon was not invited to sleep overs or birthday parties. For year I watched him just struggle. It broke my heart. As the next 4 years pass by I didn't see any improvement. There were bullies that targeted him. We had to move his school once. He has been called all kinds of name from loser, gay, ugly... He has been hit, kicked, pushed and his lunch stolen... It has not been easy for him.
Towards the end of last year Jadon came home talking about Matthew. His friend. I was beyond excited but waited to see how it would unfold as this was new territory for us. Come to find out I already knew Matthews mom. She works at a store right outside out neighborhood and I see her almost daily. So the boys started hanging out, outside of school. I cant even begin to describe the change in Jadon. Plus Matthew is an amazing kid with a beautiful heart. He is also really good with Jaxson and doesn't seem to mind that Jadon's little brother is always a foot behind them. (Jaxson is crazy about Matthew as well).
Jadon started middle school two days ago. I have been a wreck about this for weeks. Although Jadon and Matthew don't have classes together, I pick Matthew for school every morning and I love that Jadon has to friend to walk in with every day. I think this has helped Jadon become more confident with himself. I love hearing them when we have a sleep over giggling way past their bedtime. I love watching them skateboard and interact with one another. It has been such a blessing watching these two boys create such an amazing friendship. I hope this is a friendship that will last them through middle school, high school and through their lives.
Oh Samantha, you know I get this. I SO get this. I'm so, so glad that Jadon has Matthew. So glad that he's found someone with whom he clicks. Having even one friend in school can make all the difference.
And please, PLEASE don't beat yourself up for that first year after you lost Trinity. You did the very best you could in a horrible, imposition situation. Jadon knows he's loved, he KNOWS you would do anything for him and will always be in his corner. That's all we can do for our kids.
So much love to you,
Oh I still have that guilt of Colin's 3rd year of life since he had just turned 3. I too would not have won mom of the year...but we did the best we could. Your post made this momma feel better. C is so used to entertaining himself her at home and so used to being around adults (his extended family) that sometimes he doesn't always seek out the children to play with at recess or to sit with at lunch. He isn't very outgoing and doesn't seek out the kids. He made 2 friends last year but of course they are not in his class. I have been telling myself that he's fine but it's hard watching them not be social and hear he is playing by himself at recess. So your post made me see that he will make those close friends it will just take time. Glad that Jadon has that friend and they will most likely be friends for life. Nicki
Yeah, the guilt is still there. Even though I tried my best at the time, I know that my kiddos suffered after losing N. It could not have been healthy for a 3 year old and an 18 month old to see their mom sobbing at any given moment throughout the day during that first year. I know how they spent their time at home and it wasn't great. I blame myself for the "environmental factors" leading to T's primary diagnosis. I know I didn't wholly cause it, but I sure didn't help. I can't go back though, just move forward and make it better.
I am so glad to know that Jadon has made a true friend, someone he sees on a regular basis. It has to be nice to walk into school with a buddy:) Teaching D right now about reciprocal friendship. When it feels like it's always one-sided, it's time to evaluate. I think I need to heed my own advice sometimes too.
P.S. I love this picture:)
I have nothing to add that these ladies haven't already brilliantly said. Sending a lot of love and hugs.
Like Rebecca, I can't add much other than I am so happy that Jadon has found Matthew and his confidence levels are increasing. All children need their "person" to confide in. I understand the guilt as well, because I was so terrified and stressed while I was pregnant with Abbey throughout her first year of life. I couldn't always rejoice in milestones because I was too busy looking up stats and studies and making sure she was doing everything correctly. I blame her lack of focus on my stress. Its so hard not to blame yourself, as a mother, for everything.
Love and Hugs
Sam, you are such a strong woman. And your grief did not cause Jadon's challenges. I hope you can one day be at peace with that. You did the best you could in the moment, and that's all anyone can ask for.
I'm so happy to hear that Jadon has found an awesome friend that cares so much for him. I'm sure that makes all the difference! One good friend is all we need in this world.
So happy that Jadon has a friend in Matthew! I understand your guilt. I will always carry the guilt that my body failed to give JJ a living sibling. He will be alone when his parents die because he doesn't have a sibling, is what I tell myself. It's amazing how irrational our minds are. You and I both know that you did not cause Jadon's ADHD. Just as much as I know that I could not control the sibling issue for JJ. I also know this, being Trinity's brother will shape who Jadon becomes as a man. I know that being Jacoby's brother has shaped JJ. I also know that Trinity smiles upon you. You're an amazing mother who put one foot in front of the other and walked thru a traumatic journey to learn how to live again. She is so proud of you(and Jadon).
I'm so excited for his new start at middle school with a friend by his side!! I know the feeling of wondering why there aren't more friends mentioned or calling, but wonder if it's me or if it's other parents pushing their kids harder when they may not be ready???... Hugs to you for doing such a great job with your kiddos!!
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