Samarella's Journal

My Unsocial Butterfly

  • Oh Samantha, you know I get this.  I SO get this.  I'm so, so  glad that Jadon has Matthew.  So glad that he's found someone with whom he clicks.  Having even one friend in school can make all the difference.

    And please, PLEASE don't beat yourself up for that first year after you lost Trinity.  You did the very best you could in a horrible, imposition situation.  Jadon knows he's loved, he KNOWS you  would do anything for him and will always be in his corner.  That's all we can do for our kids.

    So much love to you,


  • Oh I still have that guilt of Colin's 3rd year of life since he had just turned 3.  I too would not have won mom of the year...but we did the best we could.  Your post made this momma feel better.  C is so used to entertaining himself her at home and so used to being around adults (his extended family) that sometimes he doesn't always seek out the children to play with at recess or to sit with at lunch.  He  isn't very outgoing and doesn't seek out the kids.  He made 2 friends last year but of course they are not in his class.   I have been telling myself that he's fine but it's hard watching them not be social and hear he is playing by himself at recess.  So your post made me see that he will make those close friends it will just take time.  Glad that Jadon has that friend and they will most likely be friends for life. Nicki

  • Yeah, the guilt is still there. Even though I tried my best at the time, I know that my kiddos suffered after losing N. It could not have been healthy for a 3 year old and an 18 month old to see their mom sobbing at any given moment throughout the day during that first year. I know how they spent their time at home and it wasn't great. I blame myself for the "environmental factors" leading to T's primary diagnosis. I know I didn't wholly cause it, but I sure didn't help. I can't go back though, just move forward and make it better.

    I am so glad to know that Jadon has made a true friend, someone he sees on a regular basis. It has to be nice to walk into school with a buddy:) Teaching D right now about reciprocal friendship. When it feels like it's always one-sided, it's time to evaluate. I think I need to heed my own advice sometimes too.

    Big hugs,


    P.S. I love this picture:)

  • I have nothing to add that these ladies haven't already brilliantly said. Sending a lot of love and hugs.


  • Like Rebecca, I can't add much other than I am so happy that Jadon has found Matthew and his confidence levels are increasing. All children need their "person" to confide in. I understand the guilt as well, because I was so terrified and stressed while I was pregnant with Abbey throughout her first year of life. I couldn't always rejoice in milestones because  I was too busy looking up stats and studies and making sure she was doing everything correctly. I blame her lack of focus on my stress. Its so hard not to blame yourself, as a mother, for everything.

    Love and Hugs


  • Sam, you are such a strong woman. And your grief did not cause Jadon's challenges. I hope you can one day be at peace with that. You did the best you could in the moment, and that's all anyone can ask for.

    I'm so happy to hear that Jadon has found an awesome friend that cares so much for him. I'm sure that makes all the difference! One good friend is all we need in this world.


  • So happy that Jadon has a friend in Matthew!   I understand your guilt.  I will always carry the guilt that my body failed to give JJ a living sibling.  He will be alone when his parents die because he doesn't have a sibling, is what I tell myself.   It's amazing how irrational our minds are.   You and I both know that you did not cause Jadon's ADHD.   Just as much as I know that I could not control the sibling issue for JJ.   I also know this,  being Trinity's brother will shape who Jadon becomes as a man.   I know that being Jacoby's brother has shaped JJ.   I also know that Trinity smiles upon you.   You're an amazing mother who put one foot in front of the other and walked thru a traumatic journey to learn how to live again.   She is so proud of you(and Jadon).

  • I'm so excited for his new start at middle school with a friend by his side!!  I know the feeling of wondering why there aren't more friends mentioned or calling, but wonder if it's me or if it's other parents pushing their kids harder when they may not be ready???...  Hugs to you for doing such a great job with your kiddos!!