Just when I think I have this "new normal" all figured out I realize I never will truly have it all figured out. Ever new phase or chapter add a whole new thing that I find myself adjusting to. Today as many of you may know was World Prematurity Awareness Day, also my birthday, and Jaxson's dedication. Today as I tried to juggle the three I had a few moment where I had to catch my breath.
1. World Prematurity Awareness Day: I spend every extra moment trying my best to advocate for this mission. The mission of the MOD is so important to me and although I know not everyone I come in contact with will understand this but I feel its my mission to make EVERYONE understand. I feel and have taken the stance that "my boy story shows how far we have come, but my daughters story shows how much work we still need to do". I feel prematurity has stolen so much for our family and I feel the harder I advocate for it I gain control over all the things I feel like I have lost control over, it that make sense.
2. My birthday, yep I have dreading turning 30. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I hate celebrating my birthday, I again do not know why but I do. They usually are not a big deal and haven't been in years, the first few years after losing Trinity I didn't want to celebrate anything, including my birthday. Like I couldn't allow myself to feel happy of enjoy it. How could I have been happy, when I was everything around me was falling apart. I guess our family has just never come out of that.
3. Jaxson's Dedication: wow today Jaxson was dedicated at the church we had my FIL service. The church that has help my heart, I even abandoned this church after announcing our pregnancy and then two days later m/c before Jaxson came along. A lot has changed in this church and I almost gave up on it. A few weeks ago I went and took Jax's and a few members of the congregation came up and said "ohhh is this the little guy we were praying for" it knocked me back and reminded me what a church family is for. These people didn't know my son yet prayed for him in the NICU and later when he had emergency surgery.
*** yet ***
The should have been's came in and knocked me down. Trying to hold in together during Jaxon's dedication, such a happy moment yet the hole in my heart ached.
My heart is full of so many mixed emotions today. I miss my daughter... every day. My boys keep me on my toes and keep my heart beating.
I hope that I am able to navigate each new chapter that this life has to offer, I hope I can honor my kids. And leave a legacy for them. I want them to grow up and remember their sister, and understand why this mission is so important and that I do it for them. I need to show them that life if full of wonderful moments, amazing adventures, however there are moment when the world seems so unfair, and they will hurt, and they may feel grief. But that the Hurt, pain, and grief doesn't have to define them. That they can take the difficult trials of life and find a positive, a silver lining. I need them to know that they can turn these difficult moment around and make it a mission. That they can reach out to others who have had similar trial and find strength and know they CAN make a difference. That the "bad" things in life can turn into beautiful moment.
Congratulations on Jaxson's dedication. I know how important it has been to your family to return to your faith and I'm glad you were able to celebrate that in such a meaningful way. I hope you can try to think of your birthday as a way to celebrate all the good you do in the world advocating for a cause that is so close to so many of our hearts. I hate my birthday, too. I think when you've lost so much it's sometimes difficult to celebrate, but each year we're alive is another year to honor our children, living and not, by sharing our mission.
Big hugs, Samantha. You are doing great work that is blessing many lives!
First of all, oh my gosh he is so cute and I had a giggle at the Pastor (?) with the iPad- 21st century! That's awesome.
I don't think this a journey with an end- but rather a set of days where you practice navigating the new turns, and each time learn a new manuever along the way. You've been around so many turns and been through so much- your navigation skills serve you well.
A friend of my invited me to do something that really blew me away at the simplicity of it.. and also the power. Use the present tense. You don't have to hope or need these things you DO them. You ARE able to navigate each day...I can.. I DO honor my kids..They ARE growing up remembering their sister... I SHOW them life is made of wonderful moments... Maybe you don't do them as well or as often as you want to... but you DO them and you deserve the credit. You're truly amazing mama!!
And welcome to the 30s!!! They rock! ;)
I agree with Lauren the 30's rock! I was so excited to turn 30. The 20's were a rough decade and I was so happy to put it behind me. I was so excited to be 30. Lets hope I feel that way next month when I turn 31. :) I know that each time there is a family gathering there will always be someone missing. That will never change. Every holiday, birthday, family dinner has a new meaning now. There will always be a certain "shadow" present, reminding us what isn't there. Sending you lots of love on this very very special day.
What a big weekend for you and your family, Sam :) Happy Birthday to you and congratulations on Jaxson's dedication. It must have been a very special moment for you, and yes, bittersweet. I'm sure Trinity was smiling down on you and her little brother in a very special way.
You do so much to honor your kiddos, and you should feel very proud of that.
Lol - guess I can't spell my name right ;)
that's LIBBY :)
Happy Birthday . Congratulations on Jaxson's dedication. It was beautiful what you wrote about teaching your kids. That is what I feel too like I need to teach C how to remember his brother and learn how to pick up the pieces when you get knocked down. I do like that he gets to be part of our MOD mission with us I think it teaches our children so much about giving and helping others.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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