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It's been 13 year since we said hello and goodbye to our daughter. 13 years ago loss was crippling. The grief felt like a thousand bricks sitting on my chest. I found myself struggling to catch my breath often. The tears just kept coming. The world around me kept moving on and I was stuck, stuck on August 18th 2006. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs at the people around me. They all were going about as nothing had happened, when in my world it felt like everything was crumbling down around me.
13 years ago loss consisted of days in my bed. Struggling to find a sence of normalcy, because let face it there is nothing normal about losing your baby.
The first few years I spend searching for a balance of happiness within the grief. How do I allow myself to be happy when my daughter was dead. The waves of grief would come out of nowhere. Holidays, birthday, and anniversaries were always the hardest.
Through the year I had to learn to navigate this road I was on. Now we are here, 13 years have passed and the road I'm traveling is far less bumpy. I have found a way to move past August 18th 2006. I have learned how to find the joy and happiness in my life all while remember the sweet girl I gave birth to.
Now loss does not consume my life and I had to learn to be okay with that. Moving forward was in no way trying to forget her and downplay what happened. That being happy again did not mean I didn't love her or miss her. I learned that her death doesn't define her existence. She live, she died, she changed me, she helped me grow. Through her death I found myself again. Her leaving us brought me to a community of the strongest most amazing women I have ever met. Women I would have never met if she hadn't lived and died. A community of women who too were navigating their own journey after loss. They became family. They cheered me on through the good days, and they carried me through the tough days.
13 years later life has finally found some normalcy. And yes there are still day where the tears fall, but I allow the moment, smile and continue on my day. I try my hardest not to get stuck in the moment because I know she would never want that for me. 13 years later I have learned to mother her memory just as I mother my children earth side.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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