I have often been told in the past that "I don't think I could have made it" or "you are so strong"
Strong isn't the word I would use, more like BROKEN!
Do any of you have a family heirloom. You know the one your mom or grandma kept on a shelf out of reach from little hands. Something very much treasured. We did. I remember looking at it in awe. And as I grew up I wanted it, I want the guarded piece of family history. I wanted that treasured piece,,
Losing a child is like having that very, very important piece of you and your families treasure. Then one day unexpectedly that treasured item falls off the shelf and break into a million little pieces. If your like me, you quickly run for the max strength super glue and slowly begin to glue these pieces back together. With time, the item begins to take its original shape and you can almost see what once was. You take your time, and try, and try to get it exactly like it once was. When you are finished you take a step back and look at it. The item you worked so hard on restoring has taken in shape once again. But as you look closer you can still see the cracks, the little slivers of missing porcelain or glass. You take this treasured item and place it up on the shelf where it once sat up high and out of arms reach. Protecting what is left of this treasured item because you know at any moment, that the item can shatter again.
People will come over and they admire this beautiful item. Not knowing the small tiny cracks that they can not see from the distance you have put between the world and this item. . They have no idea what it took to get that treasured item back to its original form. What it took to salvage what was left. Or how heartbroken you were when that treasured item shattered on the floor that day. They have no idea that at any moment it could fall and break again. But you gently thank them for noticing and move on about your day.
You can not ever erase those cracks or replace the missing small slivers. But its still beautiful, the items it still very much treasured. You will forever look at that item and remember what it was before and now you will remember all the hard work you put into restoring it.
Losing a child is a constant struggle, as we find our new normal. We are broken, and try as we might to put ourselves back together there will always be those tiny crack and missing slivers and our original self will never be complete like it once were. Our lost children are not forgotten, they are beautiful, their lives are part of the original self before we fell and much apart of our lives after. Often time I look back to my original self and wish I could go back to when I was carrying my sweet girl and I was naive. I want to go back before the fall, and the cracks. But I can't.
I am thankful for each of you as your all have helped me glue myself back together. You all see the crack and the small missing pieces and love me anyways! I will never be exactly like I once was before I lost my daughter. But I know I have come so far and she would be proud of me!
That was beautiful and oh so true.
You are so right.... I think the beautiful thing is that none of us really know what the others were like before the brokenness, and yet we see the beauty in one another despite the missing pieces and visible cracks.
Thank you ladies!
"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen
Beautiful beautiful words Samantha.
Very beautifully written. I am not sure I truly even remember what the pre-cracked me was like. Some days I think I do but I never know if its just a dream. Sending you lots of hugs.
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