Jadon often asks me about Trinity and he is very aware of her and her life. However I had never let him see her picture. He was young and I wanted to protect him. Not so much protect him from his sister but protect his innocence in a way. So last weeks. He again asked me to see a picture of her and finally I gave in. I had feared him not understanding or understanding the beauty behind her picture. But I did show hims and what he said melted my heart! "she was beautiful. And that he could imagine her with blonde hair brown eyed and the voice of a happy little girl. I know he says she would like baby dolls and ponies and she wouldn't be afraid to get dirty" I don't ever think I will forget that moment. He has such a sweet heart and as you can imagine I was fighting to hold back the tears.... I looked at him and told him I imagined her that way too!
Jaxson loves to watch Disney Movies and I have to say I love it. I have always loved Disney Movies and other than Cars Jadon was never to impressed, nor did her like me singing along to Beauty and The Beast or The Little Mermaid. Jaxson doesnt seem to mind me singing along, well I think he told me to "stop" once.... but I pretended he was saying something else. Over all he doesn't mind.
We have watch Mulan a few time and I find myself almost in *tears* every time she sings the song "Reflection"
"Look at me,I will never pass 4 a perfect bride,Or a perfect daughter,Can it be I’m not meant to play this part?Now I see that if I were truly to be myself I would break my family’s heartWho is that girl I see staring straight back at meWhy is my reflection someone I don’t know?Somehow I cannot hide who I am though I’ve triedWhen will my reflection show who I am inside?When will my reflection show who I am inside?"
Often times I look in the mirror and wonder who I am.
First I was Jadon's mom a preemie who was sick ALOT! I was the mom who had to take my kid home from the park because of another kids green snotty nose. Because if my child got it, it was a 5 day hospital stay. I was the the mom who was always calling the Dr. , Taking trips to the ER, the mom who sat tirelessly in the hospital watching O2 levels.
Then my sweet Trinity arrived. And Then I was all that listed above and a bereaved mom. I became the mom who laid in bed watching cartoons because it was easier than getting up. I became the mom who canceled play dates because it was to hard. I was the mom who declines baby shower invitations. I was the mom who struggled to get through simple everyday things. I was the mom who wouldn't let her child out of her sight because I now know that children CAN die. I was the mom who would cry at the drop of a hat when a song, commercial, or anything could trigger it!
Then along with all that listed above I became the TTC mom. For 6 years I lived, dreamed, wanted another baby. I spend hundreds of dollars on ovulation kits, pregnancy test, vitamins... I did hour and hours of research on the computer on TTC and tracking cycles. Many hours on the phone with another angel mom who was also TTC. I finally got pregnant and miscarried. And again I became the TTC mom again. Then Jaxson came along and I didn't have to be the TTC mom. Then I became the crazy pregnant mom. I feared every day, I can honestly say I didn't enjoy his pregnancy. Up until the day he left the NICU I didn't/couldn't believe it. Even now as he sleeps I still look at him and am surprised he is mine. Again I was a NICU mom who worried, he got really sick at 6 months old and needed emergency surgery. They had to send him to Orlando and all I could say was "Please don't send us to Women's and Children's because I already lost one child there." So we went to Arnold Palmer and he did amazing.
SOOO NOW WHAT... Jadon is overall doing well and doesn't require the same needs he once did. Jaxson is amazing and other that making sure he isn't getting into anything or destroying something he's good. Trinity is gone and no matter what I have done over the last 7 years nothing I say or do can bring her back. I'm not TTC again as I do not think it would be fair to my living children through a pregnancy when it puts my life at Risk.
So no I look at my reflection and wonder who I am. I know I am the mom of THREE beautiful children. I know I do the things my boys need on a daily basis and I hope I'm doing everything in my power to create a legacy for my daughter and for my sons. I am not the same person I was before. I'm not quite sure of who the person in the mirror really is. I'm just trying my best...
Updated pictures: Water Park day notice the Ladies Man!
My newest Nephew! Grayson
An Angel Of Hope Monument is going up in my area. I am so excited as my Mother In Law has made sure Trinity's name will be added!
Oh Samantha, I think we all get this. Who are we? Are we our kids' mom, our husband's wife?
Doing your best is all anyone can ask of you. Your children, all three of them, are lucky to have you. And I know they are (or will be, as the case may be with the boys) proud of who you are and the way you mother them.
Much love to you and your sweet babies,
That's a great question...... When I come up with a good answer for my own reflection, I'll tell you how I figured it out. Don't look for it too soon though......
Love the pics of the boys!! My best friend's little boy use to do the look like Jaxson is doing in the 2nd pic and we called it "sweet eyes". I think his "sweet eyes" worked!! LOL!!
I often wonder who I am. So many of the things you mentioned above define me but I am desperately trying to find our who I am underneath it all.
I think that you are a lot of very wonderful things. The bad things don't define you they just help shape who you are.
This is certainly something I need to think about. I love the pics. I'm so glad that Trinity's names will be added and you will have a place to go.
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