MARCH OF DIMES | MARCH FOR BABIES | NACERSANO

Samarella's Journal

Whats next

So we have decided to try again right away, but I must say this will be the last time, no matter how it ends. If I have a M/C or a loss I will not go through it again. If we have a healthy birth I will have my tubes tied. No matter what the outcome I cant keep doing this rollercoaster ride. TTC for 5 years only to get pregnant and 8 weeks later Im back on the TTC rollercoaster again. I just want off this ride however I dont want to give up this dream. I also dont want to put the people I love through anymore heartache. If we do concieve I will only be sharing it here, as I know I will get all the support I need from you all and you all "get it". My real world will not know till Im further along, JADON will not know till Im further along. I dont want to hurt him, he knows way to much about loss than any 7 year old ever should. Im even thinking about waiting till after the 6 week (the time I m/c this time) mark to tell DH. As the m/c really shook his faith and with over a year and 4 months clean I dont want to have him backslide. He really questioned his faith when I m/c. Saying he had gotten clean and turned his life around, and turned his life over to God, prayed about it and still the pain of this loss. I dont know how much more he can handle. But with me I dont know how good Ill be at keeping the secret. Knowing I can share it all with you is the only thing that Ill have. So many of you have been on this road with me for the last 5 1/2 years. You all know me better than many people in my real world ever will! I say all this now, I say I woundnt try again and I hope that I can rationalize this later when the time come to make a decision. I know in my heart, this is best but I cant let my emotions take over. Anything worth having is worth fighting for but I feel I only have one more fight left, think my heart cant handle much more. I love you ladies and thanks for always being there thanks for loving me, even when I dont always love myself!

  • I can only imagine your heartache but it makes me hurt for you.  Fingers crossed!!

    Julie

  • Hugs Sam. We are all here for you.

    Katie

  • Hugs, friend.  You know what your heart and family can handle.  And you know we're here for you.

    Love,

    D

  • I understand you perfectly well.... I tried for 7 years for other pregnancy .... after several miscarriages, one at 19 weeks.... I said to my DH this is it.... I can't keep my life in a standby limbo, guessing if I am going to have another baby or not.... and we decided no more babies... and a month later, unexpectedly  I got pregnant an V is what happen.....So I know how you feel and I hope  your heart's desire is granted..... my finger are crossed for you and your family.....

    Lorena

  • I totally get it. We aren't even telling any one we are trying again, which is so hard when they all know we are going to sometime. Just trying to keep all the dr appts low-pro til something happens. I know DH has the strength. I know YOU have the strength. You've both come so far that this HAS to be your year. Me and you, momma. We're gonna DO THIS!!!

    Hugs,

    Shannon

  • Hugs momma.

    Lauren

  • HUGS! We will all be here for you through this.

    Laura

  • Many hugs my dear! We are all here to support you. You have the will and desire so there is a way

    Love & hugs

    Beth

  • Sam, here to listen and support you no matter what.  I understand feeling like life is in limbo until you know if you're dream is realized or on it's way.  I know what you mean about keeping it all on the down low as not to hurt the people closest to you.  My 6 year old knows too much about death and loss at such a young age too.  I never wanted that for him.  I am thinking of your family and wishing you love and strength.

    Hugs,

    Lindsay

  • Hugs to you girl!

    Tracy