Well its that time of year like Christmas when everyone and everything is suppose to be all happy but for some of us this time is bittersweet. This time of year can be very testing at times especially emotionally. I always wondered how and what my 2 angel boys would have been like. How they would have looked, their smiles, their personalities and how they would have been and what would they become as an adult. I didnt get to celebrate their birthdays, Christmas and other special days with joy and laughter and watch them open their presents with excitement, smiles and joy. I wont get to see them with their first loves or maybe celebrating with them walking down the aisle l just had to learn to except they werent going to be here for those types of things. Felt very bittersweet. Which I think is so unfair. For a really long time there, I thought I was been punished for something I may had said or done but I really cant think of anything Id done too be dished out this type of punishment. So Ive learnt to put that thought a side because I have too. I really feel like our jigsaw puzzle family has lost some pieces that I can never replace. At the moment I feel like all the pieces of the puzzle just dont fit anymore when it comes to celebrations like Christmas, Birthdays etc because the boys arent there. I do have some good small memories though that I am lucky to have I did see them alive, I did see their eyes, I did see them crying and I did get holds and cuddles and I did get photos. I am forever grateful to have had these times as many angel parents didnt even get that. So in a lot of ways I was lucky but its a bittersweet way
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