We survived the first tooth loss only to have the second one happen the night before the first day of school! We had our special dinner, read her favorite book from summer reading, decorated the school supplies, took a bath, picked out her uniform jumper and shirt, socks, hair bow,etc. Everything was finished and after only a minor melt down of how unfair it is to go to bed when the sun is still out, I thought I was home free. Cuddled up in bed with 4 dogs sleeping soundly on the floor, and another in the bed (not mine, just sitting the one in the bed, but yes I typed 4!) and there it is....the creak of her bedroom door opening. "what is it Abbey...?" Dennis says as I take a deep breath because I sang the lullaby, gave her hugs and kisses and left the water cup on the night stand and I know nothing else is needed. "my tooth fell out!!! " She remarks proudly from the hallway. First thought in my head....."all I have is a 5 dollar bill in my wallet and the gel sparkle pens are out so she won't be getting a note..." Then I jumped up, gave her a high 5, told her to swish her mouth out and found baggie to place her tiny tooth in. After much more celebrating and cuddling and hiding the tooth under her pillow, I return to bed. However, the extra dog decided to wake up at 2am, and I took him downstairs to sleep on the couch where I got no sleep until just before the alarm went off at 5am. Then I remembered...1st grade...and the Tooth Fairy!! The tooth fairy has to get to Abbey's pillow before she wakes up! I managed to find some singles and snuck in there myself this time. Mission accomplished and she didn't move a muscle!
Abbey was a little nervous, but once she got dressed and I fussed over her hair, we rehearsed her bus number and our address once again, she loosened up. Finding $2 under her pillow didn't hurt either! Then we had a little photo session in the driveway, she loved that! We made the short drive to school and met her dad, just getting off third shift. We both saw her in the door to "before care" (I start work ridiculously early) and to my amazement she jumped in at the coloring table and made herself comfortable. I gave her more hugs and kisses and was out the door to my car so that I could sob and be sad, alone. Not only because my one and only is in 1st grade and well on her way to not needing me anymore but because I should have had two gorgeous little girls in my car to drop off. Two. Josie and Abbey. Double the paperwork, double the tuition and fees, double the uniforms to stock up on. But instead, just Abbey. I knew this was building up because last week at both of the new family functions I attended I talked to moms with multiple kids, and not once did I bring up Josie. I remembered her of course, in my own heart, but I had to bury it. At the parent's information meeting I discovered I used the same local tailor as someone else, who told me that the usual seamstress had an 18 month old son who died last summer....and that now she won't bring her kids into the tailor for fear of upsetting her. When everyone remarked, "how awful," or "I can't imagine that," I just nodded in agreement. I didn't say I could imagine because I am right now; I am imagining having been to this meeting two years ago and not meeting any of you. But I didn't say that.
This morning is when that all just came and smacked me in the face. I knew it would happen, I had the same usual sense of foreboding I always do when the grief storm is about to rain down on me. So I let it wash over me while I drove to work, letting the what ifs and memories of my first baby girl Josie envelop my mind and heart. I could see her in the pictures next to Abbey, a little bit taller, but same nose and curly hair, same little plaid jumpers and colorful gym shoes. Most of the time I'm okay with it..but on days like today it just seems so damned unfair.
But when I get home, and see Abbey get off the bus for the first time, I'm going to smile and listen to her talk about her day, and remember how thankful I am for this beautiful, smart, stubborn and dramatic little person, and hope that Josie knows how much I wish she was there too.
First she is so cute. Second, Its so hard when our littles go back to school and we know deep down that their should be one more. I have been struggling with this for the last few weeks. These "should-have- been milestones" seem to pull the rug out from under you just when you think you finally have you balance again. Thinking of you and both your sweet baby girls. Hugs to you.
What a beautiful little girl! And yay on losing another tooth! I get the "should-have beens," and how they can affect us angel moms. Many hugs to you.
Hugs to you mama, I can imagine you right now trying to hold it together to make sure her first day was an success. It sounds like you did awesome. I bet she's even more adorable with her pumkin teeth!!!
She is just perfect! those milestones can be so bittersweet. We enjoy them and then they cause us to crash. I remember when Jacoby died thinking of all the things I would never get to experience with him but had seen JJ do. Now, I think with each milestone in JJ's life, how Jacoby is "with" us. In some small way it's comforting to know that Jacoby is part of our lives, it's just not the way we really wanted it to be. Hang in there, try to live in the moment and savor all those firsts that you get to treasure!
Sounds like a great first day of school you both survived! I'm sending my oldest off this year to first grade as well and hopefully things go smoothly! I agree with you, I often find myself just nodding to stories like that and don't speak up but all the thoughts then rush back to my head. Thinking of you!
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