Missing piece of my heart

One month down.... Lifetime to go

  • you are so right you don't get better when your child has died.  you just learn how to live with it.  One of my favorite quotes is, You never know how strong you are until it's the only choice you have.  I hated going to the obgyn for my 6 week checkup.  I dreaded walking in there seeing all those pregnant moms.  As soon as I got there and signed in they had me in the back in one of the examine rooms.  They knew that was the last place I wanted to be and made it as easy as possible.  I hope your doctor does the same for you.  I also hated going out in public after my loss.  so many people stopping and asking about the baby.  It sucks.  if you are able have people spread the word for you.  I would lay on my couch every morning after my 3 year old was fed breakfast. Eventually after midmorning I would drag myself to the shower and then either take my son for a walk, go to my moms, or just go to the park.  It was hard but the more I did it the easier it got.  Take it one day at a time and eventually it does get easier. Many hugs. Nicki

  •   Thank you dear. That pretty much sounds like me now. I make sure that she's fed and taken care of and the rest of the morning I'm just useless. I wish it was weather permitting for me to take her to the park or outside. I am looking forward to the spring when I can take her.  I'm hoping that my doctor does the same for me.

    Thank you for the words of hope and encouragement.

    Two of my friends just came by this morning and surprised me with a breakfast and flowers. I really just wanted to hug them and cry with them because i felt so blessed.  I knew that they were there to cheer me up, without taking about it , their actions showed me how much I'm loved. It is the moment like that, that keep me going and surviving through these days.  

    And comments from people like you.

    I am blessed.  Thank you for your words of love.

  • I wish you the best as you venture out into public. It is so, so scary to encounter people who know your story. I think one of the scariest parts for me is to not know how I'm going to react to their hugs. I'm not the type of person to seek sympathy, but it's hard to hold back tears when you are so sad and devastated. I'm learning to just let the tears flow. I'm learning that it's okay to cry in front of others and to seek the comfort from their hugs and words. I hope that you will welcome the sympathy. It's okay to cry.

    The other day my husband and I were talking to our priest about closure. We wanted a funeral service for our son, and my husband explained that we were trying to find some closure. "Be careful with that word," the priest warned us. "I don't think you ever get closure." He went on to compare grief to a ferris wheel. He told us to imagine we were on a ferris wheel, going around in circles. All of a sudden, sludge floods the ferris wheel. The wheel slows down and you're stuck in the sludge. Eventually, the sludge levels start to recede. You make it out of the sludge and you're at the top of the ferris wheel. Everything seems okay. But then you get thrown back into the sludge because you are moving in a circular fashion. And you're back to where you started. You will rise out of the sludge, and it may not take as long as it did the first time. But the sludge never completely goes away. It is always there. When you are in that sludge, you have to take the time to grieve and accept the support from others to make it out. I really liked the imagery and think of myself on that ferris wheel. You're right -- it won't get better. But hopefully those sludge levels will recede with time and make us stronger people for enduring them.

    Thinking of you often. Love to you and your family.

  • Hugs and love to you.  How I still remember how hard those first few weeks, month were.  It has been almost nine and a half years and although the tears do not flow as much as they did in those first few months, they do still flow. I hated going out in public in the beginning, with time it got easier.   Be kind to yourself and know you are not alone in this!  

    Much Love


  • As I approach what would have been my daughter's 9th birthday, your words regarding your first month of grief are extremely similar to what I remember feeling. I was home with her for 9 days straight, leaving only once for an appointment at the hospital, and the again when I got sick and had to visit the ER. I too gave myself goals for not crying and then learned how to sob internally. I remember going to my check up and praying to anyone that could hear me to please let the room be empty. I didn't think I could handle seeing a newborn or lots of pregnant moms. Thankfully I got back quickly. After that I avoided public places during peak hours when parents would be sure to have their babies with them. Eventually, the fear faded and my tears stopped. But it never goes away completely. I have learned how to manage my pain but its still there. I wish you peace as you continue on this most unfortunate journey.

    Love and Hugs