I’m 33 weeks along.
I do not know what I am having
It doesn’t bother me that I don’t know the gender.
I’ve had one sonogram and things are alright with the little bun so far. But In all honesty, I wish I could say that I was able to enjoy this pregnancy. Im still trying to with what’s left of it! Although we’ve already got mostly everything together, it feels as I am still not ready but I have to be and need to be. I still feel as if I had no choice, but even if I did I could not do anything that I thought of when I first found out I was pregnant at 22/23 weeks along!! Yes! To my knowledge I’ve been pregnant for two and a half months and my due date is NEXT MONTH. Crazy right?!! It’s a miracle, it was not supposed to be so I had no thoughts toward me being pregnant at all so In a state of panic I researched and exhausted every option i knew of to be free from the death grip as I call it. Not the fact that I had a baby inside me growing, thats besides the point. the death grip Has nothing to do with baby! To me it is uncontrollable Entity and is what takes over me and I feel helpless in a panicked mind with no reasoning where I hate myself no matter what and I get so down n depressed it’s not even funny to make a joke out of it! It takes so long to get over that state of mind, like I could be stuck there for a few weeks to a yeAr(I never know how long sometimes) so I didn’t want a thing to lead me there because there is no love there..
I was scared and it took a few weeks for me to calm down, to process what was happening and to come up with a plan that I could deal with. I guess my instincts as a mother kicked in, to be prepared whether I’m ready or not-it’s happening So my Next step was seeking prenatal care and making sure baby was okay! I have no control over whats to come but I can guide myself in the direction id like to be in...or try to do what’s best in any circumstance. Was I financially stable willing and ready for another long term responsibility? No way, but it is what it is! I’m ok with it now but just having issues with my thoughts and emotions. I’m trying to build a bridge not to link them but to build over my feelings because it’s too much sometimes haha.
So far we were lucky and able to get , on our own, a suv with 3 rows as we will need it, Car seat, stroller, crib, a handful of clothes, diapers, and wipes. I’m basically still a chicken without a head and winging this as I go along!
Coping with my anxiety, depression(which has not even been evaluated) car accident injuries, ptsd (that I can’t even qualify to get help or aid for) there’s not a lot of people who can say they know the struggles, the stressors, the pain of getting out of bed, the exhaustion, the fight we put up within our selves to get us out of that shitty state of mind before the anxiety attack kicks in..Finding something to ease the pain from injuries, asking for help, relying on others and feeling like a burden and when doctors won’t help...when you don’t qualify for much needed services. You’re lucky if you find the support you need, I gave up trying to get help and instead tried harder to understand ME and try my best to overcome any situation and to also find solutions instead of more problems. That’s a work in progress and I will always be, progressing.
I’m just trying to keep it together.
In this moment and weeks leading up to it, I keep telling myself I am only human, just because I do not feel ready-i do still love this growing child inside of me and I am trying my hardest, it’s just not as easy or simple as I HOPED for. this is my 6th pregnancy(which I have to repeat to any medical professional/staff when I’m in the hospital getting any help or treatment it kind of sucks if you go through that too)with my last miscarriage in 2018 after a traffic accident and a full mental breakdown, I was sure I was DONE...
I Do have 3 children at home who went close to full term...with the COVID disaster going on, social distancing and seclusion at home, it only adds to my issues. I’m starting to second guess myself for the millionth time- will I be ok ?
Am I gonna be ready enough ?
What more can I do ?
Is this baby gonna be okay?
What else do I need?
Am I ready?
Do I deserve to mother this innocent life?
Am I even a good mom to my other children?
What else can I do...
Am I mentally ready for the ppd that’s to come since I’m more prone to that because I’ve had it a few times and never “fully recovered” from it according to my other half...
-anxiety builds from those exact thoughts and the thoughts that follow intwined with EMOTIONS not too close behind it, the “WHAT IF’s” but let’s not go there.
Let’s just nooot.
Already can’t sleep good
I’m in constant pain
My homes a mess
I, like many of you out there have had to home school children, take care of the household and everyone’s needs and keeping the family fed and happy and on schedule..
I feel like I fail most days.
I’m exhausted. I really am.
I wanna give up but it doesn’t make me feel any better if I do and end up doing nothing but moping! Open N honest. This is my therapeutic writing, for me. And possibly I’ll come across a
Few who understands.
I turn 33 tomorrow And I have a checkup at the
Docs, I can’t wait. Im still scared nothings gonna go right..but I’m hoping we can do another peek at baby before d-day.
My future is written with so much uncertainty and idk what to put my energy into. Surprises are uncontrollable and “uncontrollability” gets the best of me !
I know I am not alone even if I feel alone, much of the world is going through so much more,
I just hope we all get through this pandemic and we’ll stay safe and healthy as we can. I hope you get through as I hope as much for me.
March of Dimes fights for the health of all moms and babies. We're advocating for policies to protect them. We're working to radically improve the health care they receive. We're pioneering research to find solutions. We're empowering families with the knowledge and tools to have healthier pregnancies. By uniting communities, we're building a brighter future for us all.
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