Abruption at 21 Weeks

Hi my name is Alix. Three and a half weeks ago I lost my first born, at 21w3d pregnant. On Monday, 3/26/18, I went for my 20 week anatomy scan and everything was perfect. There was so much stress and sadness going out around my husband and I for about a month or two, but at least we had our perfect, healthy baby. That's what we kept telling ourselves. Then on Monday, 4/2/18, one week later, I was woken up from my sleep at four o'clock in the morning with horrible stomach pain. This was my first pregnancy so I didn't know what to think. I'd heard that some cramping was normal, and I know that I have a very low pain tolerance, so I wanted to think that it was normal. I lied there in pain for an hour or so. There was no bleeding or anything, just stomach pain. I waited until about 8 or 9 that morning to call the doctor. The nurse that I spoke to said that it just sounded like I was severely constipated. My husband went and get me some stool softeners and I drank lots of water, but I was still in pain. It wasn't as bad as it had been, just felt like period cramps. I went two days dealing with this, when I finally decided to call the doctor again. I hadn't felt him move in two days. It had become normal to feel him every night when I went to bed. But after two nights with no movement, I decided to go to the hospital just to be sure that everything was ok. I got to the hospital and told the nurse what had been going on, and she told me it was all normal. Sometimes that early on you go a few days without feeling movement. Stomach pain was normal. When I tried to show her a picture of what I thought was the mucus plug, she didn't want to see it. She wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. Until they couldn't find the heartbeat. Four different nurses tried. I was living a nightmare. A blood clot caused a total placental abruption. I walked around for two days while my baby wasn't getting any nutrients or oxygen and I had no idea. They took 25 tubes of blood to try and figure out why this happened, but there was no explanation. That Thursday, 4/5/18, our sweet baby boy Colby Wayne was born at 15.2 ounces. The doctor says that there was nothing I could have done. Even if I had gone to the hospital that night that I was in so much pain, they couldn't have saved him. But I can't help but to carry so much guilt. I feel so guilty that my body did this to him. And I feel so angry that this happened to me. I try not to, but I do. I can't go back to normal life. I tried to go to work after three weeks and I had a panic attack in the bathroom, and they sent me home. I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me that it will get better. I know that I'll never forget what happened, and I'll always carry my baby boy in my heart. But I need to know that I'll be able to go back to normal life. And that I'll be able to have more babies one day, without being a basket case. 

4 Replies

  • In reply to RSTmomma:

    So many hugs Alix! This weekend will be 13 years since I said hello and goodbye to my girl. I will tell you this you will never forget. You will never not miss Colby. I will tell you that crippling grief where you feel like you can not breath will not always be so crippling. There will come a time where you can say his name and not completely break down. You will one day be able to say his name and smile over this sweet boy who has forever changed your life. It's not an easy road, and it's not without its bumps (even 13 years later I still have bumps). Please hang in there and know you are never alone in this journey!

  • I am so sorry for your loss. I truly understand your pain. My first pregnancy was a year ago and I also loss my baby boy at 20 weeks. I had a UTI and a weak cervix that I didn't know about until the day my water broke. It was the most difficult day of my life to know I had to give birth to a baby I couldn't bring home. I then got pregnant in Dec, which I was so happy about, and again I had a miscarriage very early. I went to for a scan at 7 weeks to see if we can see a heartbeat and the sac was empty. It was the week before Christmas. I spent the holidays bleeding everything out. It was another sad moment for me. I also lived with the feeling that I thought it was my fault when I lost my baby in June. I kept thinking what if I would've went to the hospital the day before when I started feeling pain. My boyfriend and family was always telling me that if I didn't give birth I could've ended up in a coma or died because I developed a bacterial infection. And that's how slowly I dealt with the whole thing. And then without even thinking getting pregnant I got my first period in Feb and found out I was pregnant in March. I am now 28 weeks with a cerclage in place, on progesterone, and on bed rest. Please don't give up. It is easier said than done, but your time will come again that you will have your rainbow /miracle baby. Pray as much as you can. Keep a journal and write to your baby girl because she is now watching over you and will protect you on your next pregnancy. Prayers your way and hope you can slowly deal with this.
  • I also suffered an abruption at 22 weeks. It has been a little over a year for me. All I can tell you is, everything you are feeling is normal. Allow yourself to feel it, the anger, the hurt, the pain. Let go of the guilt-it was NOT your fault and nothing you could have done would've changed it. You will be ok again one day. You will be bruised and battered, and it will forever change you. But in time, you will feel better. I'm here if you ever need to talk. <3
  • I lost my triplets at 21 weeks with a complete Abruption. I’m not going to tell you the pain gets better. It doesn’t you just figure out how to find your feet. I know a large portion of me was taken from me and the day my girls died. Something I’ll never get back.