Surviving Two Losses and Being Saved by God

Well this is going to be a long story. It involves losing two babies and being saved by God in the process. I was 19 years old when I found out I was pregnant with my first. I dropped out of college and moved in with my then boyfriend(now husband) we found out he had a few birth defects but we didn't want to terminate the pregnancy I couldn't live with myself if I knew I killed my baby. He was a miracle baby because my husband had cancer when he was a kid and doctors told him he would never have kids. So we were beyond excited for him. We named him Ismael after my father. Ismael was born 5 weeks early through emergency c section. This was a high risk pregnancy because of the birth defects he had which were hydrocephalus, cleft lip and palate and a hole in the heart. And the same cancer my husband had which is Diamond Blackfan Anemia. He would need blood transfusions every 2 weeka because of the Anemia.When he came he went straight to the NICU where he stayed for 50 days. After brain surgery for thr hydrocephalus and surgery to have a feeding tube put in. He couldn't eat on his own because of the cleft lip and palate. The brain doctor told us he only had about half of his brain, the rest didn't develope because of the hydrocephalus so he was blind and mostly deaf in both ears and he would have severe developmental delays. When we took him home everything went downhill for my mental health I already had Postpartom depression but it got worse when I brought him home. He had a list of medications he had to take at certain times and I had to set up his feeding bag every 3 hours and of course pump every 4 hours it was a lot to take in. As a 19 year old I felt like my life was wasting away and going to be wasted taking care of a special needs kid and I felt like a monster thinking like that. A month after we took him home he got really sick we took them to the hospital and the doctor told us he was going into septic shock we could lose him at any moment. I felt like the weight of thr world was on my shoulders I didnt know what to think. His health from there went downhill fast. Before he got sick they told us he just needed heart surgery when he was a little older and surgery to correct the cleft lip and palate a bone marrow transplant and after that he would live a healthy life. But after he got sick his heart got worse and his organs started shutting down. He had a tracheotomy placed in. And finally after 5 months of him suffering the doctors told us there wasn't much they could do we were just preventing the inevitable which was his death. So we made the decision to take him of the ventilator. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I didnt understand how something so precious could just die. I wad an atheist at the time but I asked God if he was real then tell me where my son went because I knew he had to have gone somewhere . And 6 months after his death I was saved by God. He told me that He was real and He had my son. I've been a born again Christian ever since. 3 years later I found out I was pregnant we were beyond excited. I thanked God for this amazing gift. We found out she was a girl and we had all the tests done because of her late brother and everything came back negative she was perfectly healthy. On my 32 week appointment we found out her heart stopped beating. When they were doing the ultrasound to confirm all I could do is pray I prayed to God telling him if this is true please help my husband because I could get through this I will survive because I had Him but my husband wasn't saved he wouldn't make it through this loss. At first I blamed God for taking away my perfect baby I asked why He did it why He took her. I was in a dark place. But  one day I had a realization. I cared more about having kids than about God. After that I stopped asking him why he took her and I started asking for strength and peace from this pain. I got peace. And his strength is what holds me together in this time of grief. I didnt get an answer as to why it happened but I know that He has a plan and I have faith and trust in what ever He is doing in my life to have His will be done. Having faith and strength in a time like this has been very hard but I just have to remind myself of who God is and that this is part of His plan for me

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