Hello All,

Today is my angel Avni’s 2nd week bday. I lost her 2weeks back when she was 37 weeks 2 days gestational. I had gone for a 37 week scan just a day before and she was simply perfect in terms of weight, heartbeat, amniotic fluid, etc. it was my first pregnancy and everyday my husband and I were grateful to God for such a flawless experience with no complications at all. And suddenly on 29th Dec i felt her movement had decreased so just went for checkup. I had been acting paranoid in last trimester and visited ER couple of times just to be reassured everything was ok. This time too we headed up there to get heartbeat monitored, I knew everything is alright but still went in only to be told “we are sorry, can’t find her heartbeat”. It took a long time that night to just accept this was happening to us. U kept asking my husband is this for real and he helplessly just held me in his arms. Next I know I was induced and 23 hours later I gave birth to my little but perfect daughter.. my first born.. but stillborn. I haven’t cried much but I feel I am sinking in my own grief and unable to understand what and were did I go wrong. Why was God so cruel to us to bring me this close and yet so far. I ache to hold her once again in my arms. I called her jokingly Covid baby and that she is gonna be a fighter then why did she give up without seeing this world? I was told I developed a blood clot in my placenta and that blocked the oxygen supply to her. Why would my body do that? Everyone keeps telling me don’t blame yourself but my body did that then why should I not blame myself?!

1 Reply

  • Hi,
    I am very sorry for your loss. I truly understand how you feel. Since I am going through the same situation. I lost my beautiful daughter Emma Marie almost a week ago. I was 36 weeks pregnant. Monday February 15th after work, I noticed that I didn’t feel her moving to much. Tuesday morning I called my doctor to informed him, I was told to go to hospital to monitor baby, I also was told same horrible words “ we are sorry, there is no heartbeat” . I used to call her my COVID baby too. I have cried every single day after that. Grief comes in different shapes so I guess its ok to feel angry, guilty, or sad. I don’t know what else to tell you to make you feel better because I know there is nothing to say. I will keep your angel Avni in my prayers.
    I hope God gives us both the strength to find peace and beauty in life again.
    I am really sorry.