Missing my son every day

My name is Bri and on January 16, 2021 I gave birth to my beautiful son, Landon by emergency C-section. I had an easy pregnancy, no complications, and everything I went for my check ups my Dr said everything looked great. It was never caught it every ultrasound and every Dr's appt but my son had a genetic disorder that did not allow his lungs to fully develop. I will never forget the horror on my husband face as they resuscitated our son right after cutting the umbilical cord. He was rushed out of the operating room and I didn't see him for hours, then a nurse told me they were air lifting him a few hours away and I was stuck in a bed, unable to hold my baby and unable to go be by his side.

My son spent 2 days in the NICU and he never made it out. My husband and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives and let our son go off the vents so he could let go. Our son lived for two days and as they took him off all the tube and vents, Landon opened his eyes to see us for the first time. I will be forever grateful for that moment.

Since he has left our earth, we have spent many months trying to figure out what went wrong and of course I blame myself - i should have done things differently, I should have known that something was wrong, I could have done something, I was supposed to protect him... We still have not touched anything in his room and I struggle everyday with going forward.

We still do not know why this happened or if it will happen to our future babies. I am afraid that I will never know the joy of holding my baby and hearing them cry or laugh.

Landon, we love and miss you so much and we think about you every single day. I want to be able to see you and hold you but I know that I must go on for you and because of who you made me. You will always be my baby boy and our first baby. ♥️