advice

I need advice and have absolutely no one to turn to. I’m 16 years old.. anyways, last year i was raped at a party in september, i found out i was pregnant on my 16th birthday (november 30). i was in so much shock and confusion. wondering why i deserved that. about a week passed and i finally accepted the fact i was going to be a mommy. i hadn’t told anyone , not even my parents, but i did buy a couple outfits for my baby. i was excited to say the least. yes it sucked knowing that the baby wasn’t meant to happen, but it was like a blessing in disguise. i eventually told a friend who held my hand as i cried wondering if i’d be a good mom since i was so young.. on december 27th of last year i woke up at 4:37 am  in excruciating pain and i was bleeding. i yelled for my mom and she was confused and i finally told her i was pregnant. she rushed me to the hospital and after an ultrasound i was told there was no heartbeat and i was miscarrying. i was a mess. wondering why it happened to me. after about 2 weeks of not leaving my room , i finally decided to go out. nothing seemed to ease the pain so i went to another party and just got drunk. i wanted the pain to end so much and being drunk was the only way i felt sane. fast forward to now and i’m just still a mess. i’m so angry at the world , but most importantly myself. i feel like i should’ve done things differently. should’ve stressed less because then maybe just maybe i’d still have my baby. everyone else is so relieved because nobody wants their daughter to be a teen mother, but i prepared myself. i’ve been around babies my entire life. i even have taken care of my nephew for months on end just because my sister wasn’t in the right place. i feel as if i have this empty space in me and i don’t know how to feel. i’m with my now boyfriend and i had a pregnancy scare not long ago. but seeing that negative just broke my entire heart. my baby fever is at an all time high and i truly want a baby. i’ve already graduated high school and i have a job. i brought this idea up to my mom but she told me i was insane. am i stupid for wanting a baby so young?

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