i'm ruby

hi! i joined to get a sense of community from people with similar experiences. i'm 22 and today marks a month since the lost of my first baby. i found out i was pregnant march 26th. I went into premature labor at 21 weeks exactly. it's something that i relive every day, multiple times a day, so maybe being able to tell it will help me. on july 20th, the day before i went into labor, i noticed more than normal discharge came out. due to my pregnancy app and the community on there it looked like part of a mucus plug, i googled it and they said it's not uncommon and usually grows back. i didn't call my doctor because i had an appointment the next day at 9:30am to go over my anatomy scan because my doctor was not there the day i had it done. well tomorrow comes, it's 7:30am and i try to pee, it feels like somethings coming out of me. i look down and there's a big sac showing, and then it bursts. fluid, mucus, and a little blood comes out. i panic, tell my fiancé we need to go to the ER, when i get up fluid just starts rushing out of me so i throw a pad on and in the car ride there i just knew my baby wasn't going to make it. they take me to labor and delivery, do an ultrasound and i've lost all my fluid. they try to make me pee in a cup, a trail of blood follows me to the bathroom and i can't pee without blood getting all in the cup. i have blood down my leg and it's just, traumatizing. the doctor tells me i have an incompetent cervix, there's a 50/50 chance i'll go into labor in the next 24 hours. and that if they do there's nothing they can do for my baby to help him survive. that if i don't go into labor in 24hrs they'll have me on bed rest until i'm at least 23-24 weeks. two ladies come in talking about premie babies and the complications and hands me a book. i start sobbing. i had been holding back to try to prevent stress and labor. they hold my hands and i pull myself together for my son. they ask if he has a name yet, we hadn't had much luck finding one we both liked but had discussed the possibility of "brodie jason". it was hard, going from thinking you have time to name your baby to all of a sudden being forced to pick one because your baby was most likely coming that day. because i had no fluid i could see my uterus start to contract after the second ultrasound, while my nurse was on facetime with a doctor who specializes in my situation mid sentence telling him i haven't had contractions yet. i see her face fall when i tell her. the contractions start feeling like period cramps and then soon turn quiet painful. they give me a shot of something to take the edge off in my IV (it didnt), and move me to a delivery room. they get worse around 5 minutes apart and i can't breathe, talk, or move when they happen. it felt like i was going to throw up and pass out from the pain. they gave me another shot in my IV, again, didn't help. then the pain just stays, no break in between, it feels like something is in my canal and i call the nurse in to tell her, she gets the doctor, he checks and says my baby is at the end of his fingers and it's time to push. i remember feeling so guilty because i was in so much pain and wanted him out but i knew as soon as he was delivered he would die. i pushed twice and he was delivered. my fiancé got to cut the cord, they cleaned and took hand and foot prints, i saw him move. and then he stopped. we all got to hold him. for a few hours. he was perfect. his hands were like his daddy's. he was 13oz and 10 1/2 inches. he was born at 12:36pm. i remember wanting to cry because i know i should be but i felt so emotionally blocked. i remember seeing and hearing my fiancé and family sob and wanting to do the same but i was unable to. i was discharged around 6pm. i woke up at 6:30am the next morning and i just relived every second and started sobbing. all i could think was "what the f**k?" it didn't make sense. no way this happened to me. to us.

when you picture bringing home your baby for the first time, you never think of him being in an urn. but that's my reality. and it's a nightmare i relive everyday. and it sucks because regardless of what happens, the world still spins. there's still bills to pay, and dishes to do, and everything keeps going when you just want to hide in a corner and disappear. my life was already becoming my baby. all i did was talk about my pregnancy and future plans about my son and the day before i was figuring out where to put his bassinet and now i'm figuring out where to put his urn. it's something that will never make sense to me, that i will never understand. i wanted nothing more than to be a mom, i still am, but not at the same time. not being able to feel him move anymore hurts. reaching to feel my stomach and realizing my bump is gone hurts. everything hurts and i wish it would get better but i don't see that happening soon. everytime i see my family or go to work i just feel so awkward because i feel like all they see when they look at me is my loss. and maybe i'm wrong, but it feels that way because that's all i see too.

1 Reply

  • I'm so sorry for your loss Ruby. My doctor also informed me that I have an incompetent cervix... as my son's umbilical cord fell through my cervix. Now we know better for the future I guess. At the beginning of loss it's always hard and feeling isolated is normal. I hope your feeling more encouraged each day while remembering your son.