My Little Star

I’m new to the community and I am just looking for support. I gave birth on September 4 and my baby was stillborn. At 16 weeks my husband and I discovered we would be having a boy but the doctor said he has Anencephaly, rare and a fatal condition when the brain and skull stop developing. For my son his skull stopped right at the eyebrow line. We were given the choices of termination, inducing early or delivering at full term. We chose to to continue the pregnancy. He was alive and well through the rest of the pregnancy. He moved, kicked, and my son could feel me. I chose to deliver at 34 weeks because my nausea through the pregnancy prevented me from eating much of anything. I missed food, I was concerned about my health. I was induced in the hospital and the delivery went surprisingly smooth for my first delivery. However my son was head down and he came out face first. The pressure and trauma to his exposed brain was too much and he died during labor. My husband and I knew time with him would be short and questionable long before delivery, we knew it could be minutes, hours or even days, and we were hoping to spend time with our boy before he died. When we discovered he didn’t make it through delivery it was devastating because all we wanted was that little time with him and we didn’t even get that. I’m suffering because I miss him, I had a close connection with him. I know if he lived he wouldn’t have a good and fulfilling life with the state of his development of his brain and skull. I don’t know how I’ll ever be happy again. I want to try again but I don’t know when but thinking about trying again seems too far away and seems impossible. I feel scared that I might lose another baby. I just feel alone and empty. I feel like a part of me has died.

2 Replies

  • In reply to allieerincooper:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I also thank you for offering yourself to be someone I can go to. I appreciate it so much.
  • Hi Sarah, I gave birth on September 8th and my son was still born as well. I went to a scheduled midwife appointment on the 7th only to be told there was no longer a heartbeat, I was 38 weeks and 6 days.
    Right now we have no answers as to what happened.

    I feel your pain. It’s a pain like no other. I find that my body physically aches to hold him. I don’t know what comfort I can offer but I can tell you that you are not alone. For the past few days I’ve been journaling, writing to him and I find comfort in that. Grief like this I don’t think will ever go away, it comes in waves but it will hopefully become less intense over time.

    If at anytime you need someone to speak to I am here.