I am not sure who all will read this, if anyone, but I do want to share my story, which really is just beginning.

I was pregnant with my first child.  The pregnancy was going normal from what I could tell.  I just hit 24 weeks and was on the phone with my obgyns office to discuss the ultrasound from the day before and how everything looked great.  I started putting on my shoes to go to the bathroom when I realized my foot was swollen. I made a comment to the doctors office and was told to go to the ER to check for blood clots as I flew the weekend prior. I honestly thought I would be lectured on how pregnant women get swollen ankles

I got the the ER for my OBGYN. My blood pressure was in the 200s.  I was rushed to labor and delivery who was not sure what to do with me.  A few hours later I was told that the hospital did not know how to deal with the issue and I was being sent via ambulance to another hospital - it was ironically closer to my work so it would have been easier to go to initially.

I was diagnosed with superimposed preeclampsia.  I was released to the high risk doctors.  I never did hear from my OBGYN or get the potential blood clot checked out.  I was told to start looking at pumps. Nicu came down to explain nicu visits to me.   I was told I was going to be hospitalized until my due date.  This meant I would miss all baby showers, creating a nursery, my birthday, Christmas, all other holidays, the new deck in my house being built, my work moving offices.  I did not want to deal with any of it and just kept trying to work, get a routine, and hope to go home.

Over the next few weeks, I did get a routine. I hated constant monitoring when an issue arose. I kept going outside to see my dog. I set goals for myself. I attended antepartem classes that did not relate to me.  I made friends with nurses.  I kept changing between long term stay and constant monitoring units.  I had some possessions thrown out when I moved rooms (and the hospital heard about it for a while).  I celebrated 2 showers virtually. I had a birthday. My husband spoiled me.    I still refused to think about what was happening with the baby. Nurses would comment about me still being pregnant and their surprise.

The day my sister threw me a beautiful last minute shower was the day everything started to go downhill. Baby was acting up on monitor. Blood pressure started elevating.  I went on highest doses of 3 meds plus magnesium.  I was congested. I felt awful. I cried to my husband how I wished it was over.  Three days later I was told that they were going to do a c-section. I was 29 weeks pregnant at that point. I am still glad it was not an emergency c section.  I was on high blood pressure protocol and low blood pressure protocol in the same day. However, when it was over, my baby was born at just over 2 lbs.

We are currently in week 7 of nicu stay. I am starting to get restless and worried. My emotions are everywhere. I have a therapist now. I am only wanting to talk to nicu parents or alumni because everyone else seems to ask a question or make a comment that gets me upset.  Covid is starting to get in the nicu though we have avoided it so far.  I am both ready to get out and wanting to stay there in fear that something is wrong with my daughter.

I was recently discharged from high risk clinic.  I am still on high blood pressure meds and will be following up with my primary care physician.   I was told if I get pregnant again there is a 40% this will happen again.  I always wanted 2 kids but now I do not want to do this ever again.  Also, I Still have not heard from my OBGYN since before this happened, despite reaching out.  

I hope writing this will make me feel better. I also hope to have more positive things to share soon.