Lucy's Mom

Hello,  I am Lucy's mom. My angel baby came into this world sleeping on 12/24/2021. She is beautiful in every way possible and although she is no longer with me she lives in my heart.

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years. After many visits and test with a fertility doctor they discovered that I have PCOS. I was treated with medication to induce periods and ovulation.

We found out we were pregnant with our Lucy in August  2021. I couldn't belive it at first. I was nervous and excited. As the weeks passed and they confirmed she was real my love for her grew.

We picked her name one morning on our way to work, the name couldn't be more perfect, you see Lucy means  light and Claire  means bright.  She was my bright light.

Little did we know that life had a cruel surprise for us. It was on Dec 23 when our world came crashing down. We had an appointment for her heart echo, it was supposed to be a lengthy for normal appointment.  It wasn't it. We heard the words that no parent should ever have to hear. "There is no heartbeat".

Everything was going normal, it was a beautiful pregnancy. My Lucy never made me sick with nausea or tiredness.  She was such a joy. I will never understand why she was taken from me.

Lucy Claire born 12/24 measuring almost 8.5 inches  and weighing 250gr at 22w2d. She was the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever seen. Her hair had just begun to grow, she was going to have a full head of black hair. Her eyebrows were also starting to grow. Needless to say my child was perfect and beautiful in every possible way.

Lucy had stopped growing a week prior to the echo appointment.  Cause of this: placental abruption. I had no symptoms. Or thats what I think. I remember calling the nurse on 12/16 because my baby hadnt moved since the day before. Something that was unsual for Lucy. She was very active from the beginning.  Always kicking and punching as my husband calls it. The nurse said that this was normal, that babies at this stage tend to stop moving or position themselves in such ways that we arent able to feel them move. Now that I've had to collect my thoughts on this conversation with the nurse. My belly was aching that day, but I thought it was because I had eaten too much, I failed to mention this pain. Now I wish my conversation had begun differently with the nurse. I was to come home and drink a sweet drink and wait for her to move. I did this and I thought I felt her move. That same night I had some cramping, but I've heard that this is also normal. I had no bleeding, so we didn't think anything was wrong. How innocent we were. I feel like I failed my daughter for not advocating for her. Now all I'm left with is the what if's? What if i had asked my husband to drive me to the hospital? What if i had called for a second opinion? What if I had done something else to keep her safe? I will never know if she stood a chance, because I didnt help her. She was dying and I didn't know it. I didn't help her. I feel guilty and ashamed for not helping my daughter. I miss her so bad that it hurts to even exist. I wish I had died with her that day. In a way I did, when she died my soul died with her. I sit and try to imagine what she would've looked like, would have she been a calm or little wild child? What her eyes would've looked like, what she would've become in life. I will  never know. We have been cheated of a life that will never be.

My husband says that when God wants someone He takes them. I don't wish this on anyone, but of all the people why did He take my Lucy? I am angry that she did not get a chance to live, if He was planning on taking her why did He put her in my belly. So many unanswered questions.

Lucy has been gone for over three weeks and not a day goes by I don't think of her. I miss her little kicks. I miss the life and bond we had. My heart aches more and more each day. I want to sleep and not wake up, not being conscious helps with the pain.

I regret not holding her more in the hospital, I hate that in my pain I let her go too soon. That I didnt sing to her, that I didnt pray for her.

I know life will never be the same, that I just need to try to cope with the pain day by day. I have good days and bad days. Today specially is a bad day.

The only confort that I have is that I will see her and hold her in Heaven one day. That she is a place where there is no pain or suffering, where she is patiently waiting for me.

My darling Lucy Claire will never be forgotten she lives in my heart.

1 Reply

  • Hi and welcome to Share. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious Lucy Claire. I can't imagine the heartache you are feeling. May the Lord grant you peace and healing. I'm glad you've come to Share for support. I hope you're able to find some peace here.

    Hugs,
    Karri
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