opting out of holidays

Hello. My first pregnancy ended in August, and I had no idea how hard this would be. I know there are many, many people here who know how I feel. My husband's family does a big Thanksgiving, and I think it's hard for him to see why I really just do not want to go. He and I are going out of town just the two of us the weekend after, but I just want to not go to dinner and have to see everyone. I'm afraid it'll either be the same awkward and painful ignoring that's been happening, or unintentionally hurtful things will get said, and I just don't feel like it's worth the risk of more emotional damage to me. I'm totally fine just staying home alone and then going on our little get-away. And it's not out of spite. But I also feel really guilty, like I'm being totally selfish for not wanting to go with him. I love his family. They are wonderful people. But I'm just so vulnerable right now, and I never know what's going to derail me. Do you think I should just suck it up and go? Just make it through one meal? Do you think it really is a good idea to just opt out? My husband could easily just tell people I wasn't feeling well (which is technically true), or even that I'm just not up to a big gathering right now. I know I can't avoid this forever, but I'm so up-and-down lately. Anyone have similar thoughts? Ideas or advice?

2 Replies

  • I am so sorry for the loss of your pregnancy, there are truly no words.

    I also had my first pregnancy end much differently than expected. We found out our baby's heart was no longer beating on October 3rd, and I delivered her on Wednesday October 4th at 40+4weeks. The experience has shattered our family and we are still really and trying to figure out where to go from here.

    I am struggling with the holidays as well. We were expecting to celebrate this year with our beautiful baby girl... and since we can't do that I really don't want to celebrate at all. I just want to press fast forward and get through this time of year. I also don't want to be around a ton of extended family who like you pointed out may say unintentionally hurtful things.
  • Hi Etuelle, I'm in the same position, except ThanksGiving is at my house. I went into premature labor the end of September by cause of Chorioamnionitis in Twin A's (Aaiden) sac (an infection of the amniotic fluid and sac caused by a very slow leak in the membranes. NOT MY FAULT). I had my boys at 23 weeks and 3 days. Alijah died 5 days later and Aaiden after a week. My entire family was and is still devastated. These were my first children and my parents first grandchildren, my husband has 3 from his first marriage, and the kids are heartbroken. Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. Yesterday, I didn't get out of bed until 1230PM - and that was only after I remembered Pest Control was coming. I called my Mom at work and cried because I woke up Angry. In comparison to the day before, my husband and I took his boys to brunch and watched football - not a single tear was shed. What I'm going to tell you is the same thing my Mom and Dad told me:
    "You're going to have to take this one day at a time. You'll have good days, bad days, and down right horrible days, but you will get through this, one foot in front of the other, and at your own pace. You will need to regain some sort of 'routine', whether it's just walking around the block at a certain time or taking your dogs outside, you're going to have to do something. And if you don't want to see or talk to someone, don't. They'll just have to understand".
    That is what I am doing. I don't go back to work until February, so I have a bit of time to develop a routine. The Fall and Holidays are my favorite time of year, but I'm just not feeling it right now, but, what I am going to do, is Do ThanksGiving -because that is what my boys would have wanted me to do. We'll have our parents, a few of my husbands coworkers over, who don't have family, and his kids will be over later that afternoon. And of course, football! If I need to step away for a while to be alone, it will be understood and not criticized. Do WHATEVER you feel is right, his family will understand. If you haven't already, find a counselor for you and your husband and maybe a support group. The hospital gave me a copy of the book, "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" and it's been nothing short of wonderful. If you don't have it, I would suggest you get it or some other literature.
    Just remember, you are not alone in this journey. You have a whole lot of other Mom's traveling this course with you and we're all here to help. There is just one last question, what would your child want you to do?

    I hope I've helped in some way!
    Happy Holidays,