My three Angels

This is the worst pain that I've ever known and I don't think it will ever stop.

I loss my baby Meg at 20 weeks on 02.07.2006.

This was 13 years back and I still remember every detail of this night. We did not had a chance to understand what was happening and the doctor was saying you are losing your baby. All we were seeing was the tears running and running from our eyes. She was so tiny and beautiful.

I was only 21 when this happened and stupid people kept on saying you're young you'll have other kids.

This was driving me crazy. How is it that you've been preparing yourself for such a great love, journey and you end up with a stillbirth. This was the first time I heard this word.

I decided to try again immediately after as I believe if I didn't do anything, I was definitely going to end up crazy.

I was pregnant in September. My doc recommended a cervical cerclage. We decided that this gonna be a healthy baby and put all the chances on our sides. I was so anxious that I started having rashes all over my boby. I had my son Ryan on week 32, 08.04.07. He was 1.5 kg, 56 cm. He is my perfect miracle. He was so tiny that we didn't know how to hold him. Fortunately he's now 12 years old already 171 cm and in good health.

Several years later in 2014 we decided to have another baby. We've been trying for more than 6 months and finally we were pregnant in August.

It was very difficult, I was admitted to the hospital several times. Then on 28.12.14 my water broke at night smelling beurk. We knew ***  was happening again. My hubby and I couldn't stop crying. I told my son he has a big sis and everything that happened. So he understood that something was wrong with the baby. Next morning he came to see me and ask if I was losing his brother. My heart broke as I didn't know what to say. Doc said if I could have bed rest maybe we will OK. But on 31.12.14 I started having contraction and I had baby Aiden at 22 weeks in the morning. We were all devastated. Ryan kept asking me if I had lost his brother and I was unable to explain why.

Two years after this second stillbirth, hubby explained that he will not be able to face this again even though he knows I badly was a baby. Doctors told him that my life was at risk since there was foetal distress. I never understood why he will not let us try one last time. When he told me that, only then I understand his point. He didn't want to chose between me and a baby. My desire for a baby would not let me see his distress.

As years passed by, my dad died. Then the want for a baby came back. I was tortured by what will my son do when we die. He'll be all alone with no brother nor sister.

We decided to give it a last try before I'm 35.

I stop my pills Jan 2018.

In September I didn't have my period. I did 2 test which we negative. When we see the Dr, he did blood test which was positive.  But I started bleeding next day. Weirdly my hcg kept on increasing. After an ultrasound, Dr said I'm having an ectopic. On 24 September I had a methotrexate and 25 a laparoscopy. After this, I made myself understand, there will be no baby for me. I try to move on. I change job, start everything new.

Two months later I felt nauseous and went to the hospital thinking it was caused by methotrexate. There boomm Dr said I'm 7 weeks pregnant. I could not help but cry. I knew that was not good. I have been admitted to hospital almost monthly. I convinced myself that it is the miracle I was looking for. Everything will be OK.

06.03.18 I started having contraction. I was admitted. Next day it was so hard and I started spotting. My cerclage was bleeding. I had baby "boule dou" on 07.03.19 at 22.50. He looks just like Ryan, long legs, long arms. He was 485 kg and too beautiful for this earth.

Here I am still questioning why this happened.

Trying to be strong for Ryan and my hubby.

Where did I go wrong that I have angels not babies?

I wanted my babies so much that I'm trying hard to hold on my anger. Why does *** happen?

Can be that God doesn't love me enough to let me have this baby? Where did I go wrong?


2 Replies

  • In reply to Josie12907:

    Thanks Brandi.
    My only hope is that I'll see them someday when I die.
  • Hi and Welcome. I am so very sorry for your losses. I lost my daughter Josie to the chromosomal abnormality Trisomy 18 in 2007. Please be gentle with yourself and know that this is a safe place and we are here for you. There are so many questions when a baby is lost. I truly hope that someday I can find the answers for all of us so that we can understand and be comforted. Sending you peace and comfort.
    Love and Hugs