Miscarried baby #2 after a NICU experience with #1 and I'm struggling

Hi everybody,

 

I have miscarried baby #2 at 8 weeks and I'm struggling here.

 

My first child, a boy, was born almost 2 months early - he had a month of NICU time and 2 months at home on a monitor. It was a horrible horrendous time in my life where I felt like I had everything ripped away from me. I didn't get newborn hospital photos, I had to leave the hospital without my baby. I was in horrible pain from the emergency c section and the other complications that caused me to have him early. There were so many terrible aspects of that experience and I haven't gotten over it. My son is mostly okay now though we are dealing with the possibility he may be more than delayed and could be autistic. I worry about and deal with that situation on a daily basis.

 

I just hurt. In every way possible. After delivering my son early we did see a specialist before trying for #2 just to make sure the likelihood of having the same issue we had with him wasn't probable. We got the go ahead and were excited to learn we were pregnant again. I had such high hopes that this experience was going to be better than the first time - only to have one that is way worse.

 

I just feel like it can't hurt any more than it does. I got the news that our baby is dead and people/doctors say things they think are helpful and instead it's just worse. They've made me feel as though because I never got to hear a heartbeat I shouldn't be as upset. Or somehow because I have a son now that replaces the happiness and hopes and dreams that died with this child...like somehow already having a child hasn't left a hole in my life from this one. People seem to think that your pain or feelings of grief should be less because your baby was "less" (not a full term body, or a child they give you a death certificate for, etc.). Once again, even in this experience I've had everything ripped away from me. I didn't even get any pictures from the multiple sonograms I've had to have in the last 2 weeks. Like somehow my grief isn't real because I'm not left with any kind of evidence other than hospital papers explaining my diagnosis.

 

I honestly just feel like I want to crawl into a hole and never come out as I wait for my body to fully miscarry or have to deal with the added pain of having surgery.

 

A lot of people in the family are having babies, including my brother and his wife who are due a month ahead of when I would have given birth. (They were due with my niece 2 months after I was supposed to have my son the first time around). I feel like I can't hear about anybody else and their babies without wanting to throw things at them. As I sat in the waiting room of my gynecologist's office waiting to be called in I could hear the receptionist happily chatting away with someone about being 34 weeks pregnant and seeing them again in two weeks and working the appointment around her son's first day of school and I just felt angry. I feel angry at all the people who never know what it's like to not be able to live in that blissful cloud of ignorance about things going wrong.

I feel like I'm never going to be fully happy again. Even if I want to try again, I'm not going to have the same joy. I'm going to be terrified, and scared of telling people, and unable to experience the same feelings of hope and happiness surrounding the event.

I'm having a hard time here and I just want to hear from somebody else who feels like they understand.

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