Preeclampsia - 12:22

I was pregnant 2 years ago and suffered a miscarriage at 7 weeks. The fact that I had even become pregnant was, to me anyway, a miracle in itself. I have a blood clotting disorder and was always told it would be impossible to get pregnant. Fast forward to January 2020 and I found out I was pregnant - 4 weeks. So early so we told no one until we saw the doctors. And it was confirmed. The journey to bring this beautiful angel who I was already in love with would be a tough one. I would have to be seen by a high risk OB on top of my OB and a hematologist - 3 monthly appointments that I literally gleefully looked forward to. Injections that I would have to give myself daily to avoid paso g any clots to baby. I would do this a million times  daily if it meant I would bring a healthy baby to this world. We were overjoyed, making plans and picking names. My appointments came and went with nothing extraordinary to report; with the exception of this little “fish” slowly but surely letting me know just how strong they were. Then I found out that baby was a girl and the prep for her arrival kicked into high gear. September was the anticipated due date, and we downloaded all the apps to make sure we kept track of that and of what fruit or veggie baby girl was.

May 15th I noticed swelling in my feet, I also had a sharp pain in my lower chest and could feel a migraine coming on. That afternoon hubby made sure we check my blood pressure; it was 163/106. Needless to say, we went straight to the ER were 45 minutes later my OB was there rushing to have me admitted to be monitored. I was not in good shape, but baby girl was still so strong and calm inside. Doctors decided it would be best to start steroids to strengthen her lungs in case we had to deliver early. The goal was to get to 6 months. Magnesium for mommy because the headache turned to a full blown debilitating migraine.

Horror, worry, guilt (did I do something wrong?).

May 17th I am not getting any better and baby girl, she’s not getting enough oxygen and her blood pressure is starting to get lower. I am rushed to the operating room where I have to have an emergency c-section.

May 18th at 12:22 AM my angel baby was born, Amelia Rose Martinez. It truly is unbelievable and nothing can accurately describe what that feels like.

The whole day was spent with me in and out of a drug induced stupor. My hubby running back and forth checking on me and our baby. Everything was done to make sure Amelia Rose would make it.

May 19th is when our world was shattered and everything we thought we knew or cared about l, nothing else would ever matter like this.  My baby girl, who I so proudly carried , did not make it. She wasn’t even 6 months yet and although the NICU doctors did what they could; this world was just not ready for her.

A funeral, putting away her things (we still haven’t gotten around to it), it was all over.

One day I’m a pregnant momma to be and literally the next I am grieving the loss of that baby. For the next few weeks I would wake up still feeling her moving. Some days I want to crawl into bed and never come out. Some days I am so numb I feel like I can’t even recognize myself. I feel guilt for feeling even a small amount of joy. Today, I am a bit all over the place. For now, I am trying to still do this one day at a time.

My blood disorder actually has nothing to do with this. And more importantly for me to be able to move FORWARD (I’ll never move on) I have to understand I DID NOTHING WRONG. Unfortunately, although there was a risk of me developing preeclampsia, I wasn’t showing any symptoms of anything until the day I went to the hospital. I hope I will someday understand the WHY, it’s like this missing piece that I feel I won’t be able to find.

(This has been so therapeutic, just getting it all out xoxo)