Ectopic pregnancy

I have a 7 year old daughter with whom I had almost a perfect pregnancy besides the fact that I had to have a c section at birth due to failure to dilate. I just recently lost a baby due to ectopic pregnancy at 5 weeks in June 25th this year. I’ve taken the loss very hard. It’s a struggle for me to even get pregnant and I wanted this baby so very badly. I never in a million years even fathomed that I would lose a child. After the surgery I sat and blamed myself and my body for failing my baby, even though medically I knew that wasn’t true, in my heart I blamed myself. I love a face I have never seen and a voice I’ve never heard. I always feel like a piece of me is missing. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my baby was discarded as medical waste. Taken from my warm stomach with its tiny beating heart to being cut out and thrown in a trash. My Fallopian tube had split open and I was bleeding internally and had to be rushed to the ER for surgery. All I had left of my memories of my baby was pictures of two little positive pregnancy tests. I only knew my baby was in my stomach for exactly a week before it had to be removed. I’ve asked God numerous times why me? Why my baby? What did I do so horridly bad to deserve this? My daughter didn’t understand and it killed me to explain that baby brother or sister was in heaven now. I want you all to know that I took motherhood and the ability to get pregnant and be pregnant for granted. As I lay on the hospital bed bleeding and having the ultrasound tech look at me with solemn eyes and say, honey, this pregnancy isn’t gunna work out,” I gained so much empathy and compassion for mothers who have experienced loss. Whatever your situation may be, I admire your strength and resilience. Some days are worse than others for me, I hope we all find comfort and peace in what is one of the heart wrenching situations one can be in.

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