When we first received a positive pregnancy test, it was mind blowing. I have PCOS and wasn't sure I could get pregnant without ART. We celebrated and we're cautiously hopeful. I kept my positive test by my bedside to remind myself everyday it was real and happening. My husband and I talked to my belly, encouraging it to grow. We watched every symptom happen and took comfort that they were a good sign. Even though I couldn't be in the same room as dinner was being cooked because the smell made me puke; even though I had to buy new bras because I outgrew my old ones; and even though I was so tired that work felt nearly impossible, it was all ok. It meant all signs pointed to me still being pregnant. At the same time, I constantly was aware of my risk of miscarriage. I was constantly afraid that I would have a missed miscarriage or that I would loose the pregnancy. We would be nervous and then we would try to find a bit of hope. As long as I had symptoms and no major cramps or bleeding we were supposed to be ok.
This past week I had my first in-person visits with the doctors. I was so excited and so nervous to be entering a stage of pregnancy where they start seeing you in-person and the risk of miscarriage goes down. On Thursday we did blood work and used a doppler for the first time. I was supposed to be 12 weeks along, almost 13. The midwife tried to hear the baby's heartbeat with a doppler and couldn't. She told me that sometimes that happens and that we would be able to see everything at the ultrasound the next day.
Then came the ultrasound. I don't think I'll ever forget it. There was nothing. No baby and No gestational sac. The doctor running the ultrasound talked to me like I made the whole thing up. He lacked compassion as my husband and I cried. His tone was accusatory when he asked if I had experienced cramping or bleeding. We are left confused about what happened and hurt, so hurt. Weeks of talking to my belly and feeling miserable with symptoms and trying to be positive, gone. No there was not bleeding. I had one or two bouts of larger cramping but I associated those with an upset stomach. When did it happen and how did it happen? I don't know. What even happened? I don't know. All I know is that I had a positive test, I had symptoms, and I had a terrible day.
I'm sad for what we lost. I feel guilty for the hopes of people that we had to dash as we told them about the ultrasound. People like my loving in-laws who won't be grandparents in April. I'm confused about why my body didn't get the memo that there was no baby growing anymore. I'm worried for how long it will take for my period to come back and when I'll ovulate again. I'm angry at my body for not keeping the pregnancy and for still making me nauseous for all those weeks. I'm angry that our medical system basically ignores women in the first trimester because as one doctor put it, "if we are going to miscarry there isn't much that can do to stop it at that point."